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Go In Peace .............. << previous // next >>
This entry is a bit of an obligation for me because in my previous entry, I promised to try harder to scribble in here at least once a month, since for a while, I've been a lazy diaryist and I wanted to change that habit. One of the most important things in psychology that you learn is that if you change your behaviour, a change in attitude will follow. It is better to change behaviour rather than attitudes because modifying attitudes doesn't necessarily lead to modified behaviour. In a way, it's good that I made that promise to myself and to my regular visitors, because usually I put this off for several months, thinking that I have nothing worth writing about. That is the wrong way of thinking and I want to prove (at least to myself) that I DO have important or at least mildly interesting things to say on here. I don't have to wait until something tragic or unusual happens. I realize now that if you look deep enough at anything and put time and effort into it, you can find meaning in and connections with anything. Andy, a friend of mine, believes strongly that there are no such things as coincidences and that everything happens for a reason. While his enthusiasm rubbed off on me initially, I now believe that overthinking anything can create connections where there weren't any before. The ideology that everything has meaning assumes that there is coherence in the world. The further I go in my education, the more I realize that there is less coherence and more chaos in society. This attempt to cling onto the notion of order may result from fear of the unknown and of chaos. Somehow we need to learn how to embrace pieces of life's puzzle that don't fit together neatly. This is just a reminder of how diversified and complicated our world is. We can't package it in simple formulations without risking the limitation of our imaginations and possibilities. Drown within your soul. So what's new with me? I got a multi-coloured mohawk, a skull tattoo on my left butt-cheek, and I've accepted a proposal from Keanu Reeves with the condition that he takes formal lessons and learns how to act. Sorry folks, I'm just pushing your buttons, but you all already knew that. I don't have a multi-coloured mohawk. Those are just tacky. Mine is cobalt blue...hehe...just kidding...I'm as much of a punk as Sandra Dee from "Grease." Saturday was my boyfriend's birthday and we hung out with Daniel, Anthony, and Anthony's girlfriend (I keep forgetting her name...I think it's Ashley though)...After eating the chicken and liquidy mashed potatoes that Mike and I made and the crispy fish that Daniel made from the Lake Simcoe fish he caught, we ate the super chocolatey cake that Anthony and Ashley brought. Later I went to the theatre to see the movie "Kung Fu Hustle" with Mike and Daniel. I was reluctant and I don't care for subtitles, but I went anyway. It was nice of Daniel to have paid for our tickets. The whole movie is pretty cheesy (hey, what did you expect...Phantom of the Opera?). Nevertheless, it was funny and when the landlady does the Lion's Roar, it reminds me of my mom when she's yelling at me....*smirk* Oh yeah...sometime last week I also watched "Sin City"...I didn't care for it, but it was nice to see the mesmer-EYE-zing Alexis Bledel in it. She plays Rory on Gilmore Girls. Even though she's one of my favourite actors, I was a bit disappointed in her Sin City performance because she just came across as Rory-Gilmore-gone-mildly-bad. I wasn't able to disassociate her with being Rory. An amazingly talented actor should be like a chameleon on film, morphing into believable characters with the snap of your fingers. The plot left a lot to be desired. I haven't read the comic on which it is based, so maybe some has been omitted, as is the Hollywood-izing tendency. (Side note: No, it's not a typo that I wrote "actor" and not "actress"...When I remember, I'm trying to make it a point to stop making gender distinctions where it's unnecessary...) A man of quality should not feel threated by a woman of equality. Very soon I'll be going back to university for summer school (early May). I need to take one elective course and then I'm done my B.A. Honours degree. Since the course runs past the June convocation, unfortunately I will have to go for the next convocation, which is in October. In a way, I'm not really looking forward to it because there is so much uncertainty regarding my future. People go through their years in university hoping to direct their interests and are able to better focus on their future careers, but after my four years, I've only become more interested in various fields. My interests have broadened. I guess some would say that I haven't "found myself" but do any of us "find ourselves"? I think it would be more appropriate to say that we "find others"...and that we are constantly tweaking ourselves in light of this. A long time ago, I've chucked out my desire to become a conventional psychologist. Now, I am gravatating towards a job that somehow deals with the underdogs, the oppressed, and the under-represented. This might be a non-profit organization or a women's shelter. I'm not quite sure, but I AM enthusiastic about doing ANYTHING that will help those whom society neglects. It would give me great job-satisfaction and I wouldn't care if the pay is low. I need a job where I'm able to clearly see how I am making an important (not academic only) difference, as cliché as it sounds. The hardest part now is doing the job hunting and I am going to have to self-motivate myself because dreams are wonderful, but it does no good to just live in them alone. I need to strive to make mine a reality. In addition to the field I mentioned, I simultaneously am going to pursue creative writing, since it has long been a desire of mine to publish a novel. Live on the perimeter of your dreams. Hehe...I was just looking at an employment-seeking website and came across a drop-down menu asking potential employees to specify their level of education. One option is an MDiv. This is "Master of Divinity." Is it just me or does that sound really funny? It's like, yessss, on my resumé, I'm going to put: 'Objectives: To take over the world and be the master of divinity and of people!!!!' [insert evil laughter here] [roll your eyes here] [catch your eyes here] [put eyes back into their sockets here] [wash your hands here] [I will stop here]...I know that I'm being silly....I'm allowed. It's not my fault that you decided to enter the circus of thoughts that is my online diary....AND NOW (!!!) see Mary tame the wild, ferocious lion using nothing more than her brainwaves!!! Think it's incredible? Tell it to the tip jar. Hehe, I got that line from a Gilmore Girls episode. A woman, who looks quite serious, is playing heavenly music on a large harp. People in the building are listening to it and are watching her with great admiration. One woman says, "Oh, that's just beautiful" (or something to that extent) and the harp player surprisingly responds, "Yeah? Well tell it to the tip jar!!!" as she picks up an emptied can and shoves it towards the one who spoke. It's probably less funny when I describe it, but I like it because it's just another example of how as humans, we can sometimes be so quick to judge others using cognitive heuristics and then are taken aback when people don't live up to them or to the stereotypes we've plastered or imposed on them. This reminds me of when I used to work in the public library. A lot of people seem to think that those who work in libraries are shy, quiet, conservative (prudish), polite, and maybe even intelligent. Having worked at various public libraries for about 3 or so years, I can honestly say that the library worker stereotype seems to be more the exception than the rule!!! I could go further into this, but I'll save it for another time perhaps when I am at a loss for words or topics. "It's all in the game of love" sings Michelle Branch. This game sometimes feels more like Jeopardy to me. I don't believe that anyone goes into a relationship KNOWING what they want and knowing the answers to all the questions. We are learning as we go. You can read all the socio-psychological-political books, but for every 'rule,' there are thousands of exceptions. If anyone thinks that they will have no doubts when they meet "The One," they're mistaken. Doubt will always exist and it has, since the dawn of time. Doubt is our life test -- to see who will forego the challenge or who will triumph through struggle. Sometimes, doubt also acts like an angel on our shoulder, forewarning us of trouble that lies ahead. Whether it's a small bell that rings or a gong that goes off, it is finally up to us whether or not we consider the reasons behind the doubt or just brush it off without second thoughts. Sometimes we DO need to just walk away because it IS the right thing to do. We now interrupt this entry for a brief, shallow service announcement... Right now my lips feel like I've put triple berry jam on them and let them dry a bit so that they feel tacky to the touch.....yuck....I got a magazine in the mail and inside was a free sample of Maybelline's newest product, "Shinylicious" (<--sarcastic note: Wow, what a clever name.) Anyway, so I tried it of course because anyone who knows me, knows that I am a huge fan of good lip gloss and lip balm (plain, SPF, shiny, flavoured, tinted, glittery, you name it). Shinylicious is probably ONE of the worst lip glosses I've come across. Everytime you press your lips together, you can feel them sticking together! Well, I'm tapped...for now...Look out for a new entry in May. I'll have a lot more to write about since I'll be in summer school and with it comes distress. Sometimes the most fascinating creative writing arises from distressing situations, so who knows...maybe my best entry lies ahead. Hmm...a few days ago I started working on a new writing concept for a novel. It goes something like this: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." Oh nooo! What do you mean that's already been taken? Geez, it's so hard to be original, isn't it? Hehehe....don't worry, I was only goofing around. Charles Dickens won't be rolling around in his grave (but if he does, we'll surely read about it on the cover of some trashy, unreliable tabloid). Seriously though, my new novel concept is based on the conventions of film noir, but with a twist. Film noir is characterized by darkness, shadows, mystery, first-person narration, corruption, crime, a femme fatale, etc. My major shortcoming I've noticed about my stories seems to be that they all involve too many do-gooders and perkiness. They're as fake as Pamela Anderson, minus the hot air balloons. I am thinking of calling this creative project "Go In Peace" and I have already written 1,000 or so words. I'm very excited about this story concept because it's the first time that I've ever challenged myself to write something significantly darker, raw, and real...with all the grit of reality and delusion. My regular visitors will remember that I wrote 10,000 words for another story I was working on a long time ago called "It's All In Your Head," which involved a benevolent-yet-naïve psychologist, a porcupine-needle-in-the-derriere psychiatrist, a redeeming schizophrenic, and a flambuoyant-yet-looney-and-cartoonish gardener. I haven't abandoned that project yet, but ideas haven't been hitting me often between the eyes for that storyline, so I'm going to take a break from that one and shift gears. This noir fiction one seems more promising and I like the progress I've made with it so far. Well, on that positive note, I'm going to tip my hat, spin around 3 times, wiggle my nose, do the mambo in my underwear, play the Gavin DeGraw song 'I Don't Wanna Be' on my kazoo (because I am SUCH a rebel), and disappear into thin air (...........until my next entry, of course!).... *~* Mary Shaw *~* P.S. Here's a quote I came across a few minutes ago and I found it funny: "When life hands you lemons.....be glad that you're not a lobster." ~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-. SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD: "It's Like That" by Mariah Carey LAST FEW SONGS I LISTENED TO: + "Nice to Meet You Anyway" by Gavin DeGraw + "Horror With Eyeballs" by The Dissociatives + "Fly Like a Bird" by Mariah Carey + "Sin City" by Meredith Brooks + "Thinking in Reverse" by The Dissociatives + "It's Oh So Quiet" by Björk + "Home" by Michael Bublé + "Just Friends" by Gavin DeGraw + "Spoiled" by Joss Stone + "Breathing" by Lifehouse + "The Perfect Drug" by Nine Inch Nails + "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" by Pat Benatar + "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers + "Dream a Little Dream of Me" by The Mamas & the Papas + "An Honest Mistake" by The Bravery 
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Thursday April 28th, 2005. - 7:10 PM