Imperfection Perfected .............. << previous // next >>

Thursday December 6th, 2001. - 5:26 PM

It's been quite a while since I've typed an entry, hasn't it? No, this time I won't redundantly list my excuses like I normally do. I'm sure you all already know why. My excuses are the same ones as before. So, onward and upward to more "interesting" matters. Christmas is coming up and I'm getting all giddy and excited. I don't really have any amazing plans yet, but I'm sure that I'll have fun no matter what I choose to do.

For many weeks now, I've been thinking about what I could buy my boyfriend for Christmas. It was really hard to think of something, because he seems to have everything, plus, why is it that it's so much easier to buy things for girls? Is it just me? I mean, if you go to the mall, you see all of these adorable-already-gift-wrapped cosmetic packages or bubble bath products and what is there for guys? Shaving kits? Cologne??? Personally, I wouldn't get a guy those things for Christmas, unless he specifically wanted it and mentioned it to me (which I strongly doubt). So, I finally decided that I would make him something - a craft. I thought that it would be fun and more importantly, it would be unique. It would show that I put in extra thought and I think that he'd appreciate it. I am sooooo tempted to tell you all what I decided to make, but Danny (my boyfriend), reads this diary sometimes and I don't want to spoil his surprise (Haha...sorry Danny...No clues for you!). After Christmas, I will tell you all what I made.

I'm at home right now. It's the examination period for university. I finished writing one of them (for my social science class) yesterday. My next one is December 17th and that's for sociology. My other classes only have year-end exams (tough stuff) which start sometime in April. Yeah, you're probably wondering why I'm on the computer if I have an exam coming up. I should be studying, right? ARGH! Wrong! I'm taking a break (the entire day). Tomorrow I'm going to start looking over my sociology notes and textbook. Throughout the school year, I've been constantly writing essays, reading articles and my textbooks and I haven't had too much free time. Oh yeah...and just incase you have a hunch as to why I'm taking a break, you've guessed it: I'm lazy! *Smirk*

For the past 2 or 3 weeks, I've been enjoying my Thursdays after school. My last class on Thursdays ends at 4:30 PM and I usually meet up with Nicole. Sometimes we go to the mall and sometimes we go to the university's pub. I've never really been in favour of alcohol. I just don't see the point really. It's okay. I'll drink it socially, but I won't get drunk and lose control. I don't think I would like being out of control like that and not knowing what I'm doing or saying. That would be really scary. I don't know how anyone could think it's fun. Anyway, so Nicole and I have tried out 2 of the on-campus pubs. We're planning to try all of them out by the end of the year. It's our weird goal or something. Last Thursday I had the "Sex on the Beach" and the "Long Island" drinks. I wonder where they get the names for alcoholic beverages. Some are just crazy (example: a shooter called "Deep Throat"). Anyway, the taste of alcohol isn't anything spectacular (at least I haven't tasted anything that really impressed me). I don't see what the big deal is about drinking. I can definitely live without it.

Yesterday I went shopping with Nicole at 2 malls. I bought her an early Christmas gift. Actually, a few weeks ago, she mentioned how she liked this thing that she saw at Shopper's Drug Mart. This week I bought it for her (to her surprise). It's a big plastic beer bottle that is as tall as from the ground to my knee. It's filled with popcorn. When you finish eating all that insane amount of popcorn, the beer bottle can be used as a piggy bank, because there's a coin slit in the lid. Like I said, it was big and I told Nicole that if she carried it out of the store, I'd buy it for her. I would feel weird if I carried that around the mall...haha. I also bought myself this Maybelline cosmetic gift pack. It was on sale. It came with black mascara, metallic bronzy nailpolish and a plum-coloured Wet Shine lipstick, all in a silver cosmetic case. It was a good deal, because if you had bought all those things alone, it would total more than what I paid. Plus, I needed a new pencil case for school and the cosmetic case was suitable. I also bought 2 more nailpolishes. One is metallic rocker blue. I had this one before but used it all up. I like layering this with my silver glitter nailpolish because it reminds me of the night sky or something celestial. The other nailpolish I bought was this dark vampy reddish shade. I guess you could say that it was more maroon than anything else.

I think that I mentioned it before, but you know how I was thinking about dying my hair all black and then streaking it a noticeable red? Well...I'm still contemplating that. I think that it would look great. The only two things that are holding me back are: 1) the money it's going to cost to get it done. Do I REALLY want to spend a hundred bucks on my hair? and 2) I was thinking about never dying my hair again and just leaving it natural...and the real me. See, the problem with the red hue is that it fades faster than any other colour. It might not look good after 2 months and then I'd have to get it re-touched (which will make me shell out more dough).

Also, yesterday when Nicole and I were looking around in the mall, we went to "The Museum Store". She was complaining how there were so many old people there, but I didn't care. They have some really interesting things in the store, and who cares who's in the store anyway? Hehe...I probably embarrassed Nicole because I saw the cutest little accordian in the world and I joked around and started playing it in the store. She was like, " Mary! Stop it!" No one even looked our way, so I don't think it really mattered. Anyway, I kept playing that accordian. I think it's really nifty! *Smirk* If I ever have a kid one day, I'll probably get him/her one. It's neat. There was also a tiny piano (soooooo cute!) and a Chinese gong (which sells for $99). Yeah...just what I always wanted, a Chinese gong...haha...anyways....

Last night that movie "Chill Factor" was on television and seeing actor Skeet Ulrich again brought back memories from when I was in elementary school. I used to like him a lot and now I had completely forgotten about that. It's interesting to note how much I changed since I was 13 and 14. Wow. Friends who knew me back then might not be able to recognize me now. I used to be EXTREMELY conservative (reserved), etc. Now, I'm still shy sometimes, but most of the time, I express myself freely in any way I see fit (as long as it's appropriate for the situation). I think that ever since grade 11, I've become much more confident about certain aspects of myself. No, not conceited (far from it), but not as insecure as before (if you can even believe it). Although Danny thinks that I still possess quite a lot of insecurities, I like to think that it wasn't as much as I had before.

One such insecurity had to do with my slender figure. I'll just say it straight out - I'm skinny. Ever since I was little, my relatives, parents and friends kept on telling me how I was so skinny and that annoyed me like you wouldn't even believe. It's not that I didn't eat enough either. I have a high metabolism, so no matter how much I eat, the pounds just don't stick. I often wondered why I was born this way. No, it's not some kind of disease or disorder. Lots of people have this. High metabolisms are natural, just like slow metabolisms are. People are born the way they are for a reason - for diversity and uniqueness. Why can't people accept it and why couldn't I at the time? I think about that every so often. I remember how being skinny seemed like such a terrible thing and I was jealous of all of those "plump figures" out there. I thought that at least they could exercise and get the weight off, whereas it was so hard for me to GAIN weight. It seemed like all my friends were trying to lose weight and I was the only one trying to gain weight. Now, I know better. Weight problems are all equally difficult. They plague us like a huge burden if we allow them to. We shouldn't.

At a certain age (I can't remember exactly), I noticed that people stopped telling me that I was skinny and that they were envious of how I could remain slim even after pigging out all the time (which I still do). It was the same time when more magazines started projecting more messages about diet pills, exercise and lifestyle changes. It was also the time when women's clothing started to get smaller in sizes. I remember before I had trouble finding small sizes that would fit me and look good, and then all of a sudden, companies started producing smaller sizes that fit me perfectly. It was when the media blared constantly about eating disorders like anorexia and how awful and sickly it looked to be so skinny. Sometimes I feel like our society is out of whack. Advertisements cater towards the "larger" people and try to squeeze their money from them to try this diet and that diet. Constantly, they are saying how no guys would ever want a skinny girl or a boney girl and all of those kind of demeaning adjectives. What if someone was BORN that way and wasn't suffering from a mental or physical illness? Is she STILL ugly in society's eyes? Does she really need to abide by what the "average weight" is? What the heck is that all about? Then, some beauty magazines tell women that being plump is okay, but then you turn the page and you see an advertisement for some weight loss program. Can you just see the problems in a capitalist society? Everyone has dollar signs in their eyes.

Right now I've become more accepting of being on the "slim side". My boyfriend doesn't think that I'm skinny and I haven't be called "skinny" since grade school. I didn't put on a whole lot of weight either. Right now I'm about 5' 3" and about 95 or so pounds. I eat healthy, but of course I cannot resist junk food either. *Smirk* I just think that society is becoming a little bit more sensitive to how they deal with weight issues. No one likes to hear weight comments, whether you are fat, skinny or average. I hate using the word "fat" because to me, it seems like such a negative terminology. I must use it now, because I've used the word "skinny", which has equal connotations of negative proportions. When people are falled "fat", it makes them feel ugly and incredibly overweight (even if they are a few pounds above the average). If you're called "skinny", you feel exactly the same. It's just as bad of a comment. If you're told that you're average weight, you might be contented, but then there's the pressure to maintain that so-called perfection (which I believe does NOT exist). I think that we're all better off if we just don't comment on people's weight. It's just plain rude, in my opinion. I can understand if you're concerned about someone's health, but if it's just a cosmetic concern, seal your lips, okay?

I have seen heavier people who I thought were absolutely beautiful! I have also seen skinny people who were gorgeous too. It's all your preference, I suppose. Who I find attractive, you might not. Of course personality counts the most, but I'm disregarding that right now because I want to focus specifically on weight and how it challenges everyone's self-image and self-esteem.

Last night, while I was flipping through the channels, I came across this one documentary...called "Weight Wars", I think. There was one specific story that really touched my heart. I only saw part of it, so when I relay the story, it might sound all chop-y and piece-y. Anyway, this woman thought that she had a problem with her weight ever since she was young. She was slightly above the "ideal weight" (I hate that term too). It didn't help that her family and friends kept bugging her about it either. She tried numerous diet pills and exercises, but the pounds she took off during the diet were gained shortly afterwards. Feeling quite disappointed and self-conscious, when she heard about a new pill (Fen Fen or something like that), she tried it. The druggists claimed that the drug dealt with the chemicals in the brain instead of what other diet pills focused on. When she took the pills, she lost 25 pounds in a few months and she was impressed. She kept taking them, until gradually, she noticed that she was getting more and more tired. Approaching the age of 40, people just kept telling her that it was "old age" rearing its ugly green head. She knew that it couldn't be, because it occurred so quickly without warning. She went to the doctor, who later advised her to seek a heart specialist. After her appointment, she learned that she had a very rare heart disease (caused by that drug, Fen Fen) and that people with that disease had a life expectancy of 2 years!!!! Imagine how she felt! All she wanted was to lose some weight and now she was going to lose her life. In the documentary, I remember her talking about who was to blame. She said that first and foremost, she blamed herself for being so naive and for having such low self-esteem issues. Then, she blames the drug company because they legalized the Fen Fen and her doctor prescribed it to her. That documentary really made me think about how insecurities about ourselves can inevitably lead us to our doom. Depressing to say, I know, but it is true. She said that when you combine corporate greed with low self-esteem, there is a lot of money to be made. Her words ring so true.

It makes me feel so sad and frustrated that women/men/people can't accept themselves the way they were made and then they end up hurting themselves even more. Anyway...enough about this topic and enough of this diary entry. I'll write again soon. Take care and remember that the world needs you just the way you are.

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TRIVIAL TIDBITS ABOUT ME: RIGHT NOW

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EYES: Lined with black eyeliner, black mascara

NAILS: No nailpolish today, but I'm going to paint it soon with the one of the new nailpolishes that I got yesterday.

LIPS: Clear lip gloss...plain and simple

HAIR: Curly (as usual) and in a high ponytail

THINKING ABOUT: How fast a year goes by

WISHING: All my exams were done

SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD: "If You Want Me To" sung by Ginny Owens (It was a song played during a Roswell episode)

SONG I'M LISTENING TO NOW: "Whenever Wherever" - sung by Shakira

LAST SPOKE TO: My Dad

NOTE TO SELF (encoded so it doesn't make sense to anyone else. Don't even bother trying to crack it, because even the part that's coded has a symbolic meaning instead of a literal one...*Grin*): two on nekht snior doie sneome i htteem hossi

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