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My grandmother's mortality has never been more glaring. In many respects, she lived the stereotypical portrayal of what a grandmother should be like. She has a physical and emotional fragility about her that is not enviable. She also defies society's depiction of what a grandmother should be like because she doesn't knit and she's never lovingly embraced me or looked upon me with deep care. She has been in the hospital for about a month. She broke her spine when she fell down at home. Then, when she was in the hospital, she bumped her head and lost her motor coordination and her 'sense.' Don't start feeling sorry for me. I'm not playing that card. I don't even know how I should be reacting to all this. While I'm an extremely emotional person, this situation has left me numb, nearly void of intense emotion. While she probably cares about me, it has never been revealed in a way that was concrete or absolute. I've never felt warmth from her. Now her situation is precarious. At 84, she certainly isn't the depiction of good health. She's not one of the elderly who's fit, healthy, and happy. For far too long, she's battled with her inner demons of depression, holding grudges and remembering ill memories. It's no wonder she always had psychosomatic ailments, such as the reoccurring stomach aches that always got my mom rushing over to her side for comfort. The doctors discovered that my grandmother has cancer. It's located above her stomach, near the esophagus. There are two options for her: (1) Surgery or (2) Do nothing. If she undergoes surgery, in her frail condition, most likely it will be unsuccessful, but worse, lethal. If it is successful, she may not be strong enough to go through the healing process and the surgery will have done more harm than good. If nothing is done, the cancer may not spread as fast, since she is older. She will have to take medication to subside her stomach pains though until the end of her days. While there has always been a 'disconnect' between my grandmother and I ever since I was in diapers, I do feel sad, but what scares me is that it's a different type of sadness. It's the sadness you feel when you read about a stranger who was shot accidentally. They were there at the wrong place at the wrong time. It's the sadness you get when you hear about unfit parents killing their new-born infants because they didn't want to 'deal' with the crying. It's not the sadness you feel because you deeply loved someone and they were going to be pulled from the safety of your arms. What does make me sad is that I never felt like her grand-daughter. Yes, I know...what a selfish thought. It scares me to the core, but at least I'm honest and this is my online diary, so hell, if I want to become a jellyfish, I'll become one, dammit! I guess that I AM playing that card after all! What a whiner! Hand me some cheese to go with my 'whine.' An increasing 'disconnect' has evolved between my parents and I. This isn’t your classic textbook case of child-thinks-parents-don’t-get-them-and-starts-to-rebel-but-parents-are-kind-and-loving. I’ve always been a good daughter. I had the kind of relationship with my parents that many people verbally told me that they envied. I could talk to them about mostly anything without hesitation and they would listen. Now, however, they are quick to shove me aside and I feel much like anything I say goes unheard or thrown in my face. My mother is quick to lash out at me with cruel words. My father realizes it, but isn't strong enough to tell her to watch her words. He wants to please her, so he sides with her ridiculous and unfounded accusations towards me. It's frustrating. I can't talk to my mom without her jumping on my every word. If I just mention something about how nice the weather is, she'll say something snappy and insulting. While she believes that I have changed, guess what? Parents are people too. Everybody changes...but not everybody turns into a butterfly when they come out of the cocoon. I hold a lot of my emotions back and use witty jokes and silly behaviour to bring about a balance in my life. There is so much hurt, frustration, and anger stored inside. I always try to be the "nice" one to the point where I feel like I’m about to break. When I have a bad day and show my human side, many people feel it necessary to point it out in the harshest light of day. Yes, I am human…and unfortunately so. There's no use trying to cheer me up. When I get into a slump, I'm as difficult to revive as a 24-year-old cadaver. Maybe I need this…to vent my feelings once and a while, in a very dramatic way. While I'm on my bitch fest, I also can't stand how sometimes you can be so friendly to people and they just turn their back on you. I find that so many people have closed their hearts…Hardened, soiled, and out of service. If only they knew how I so look up to their great talents, their sense of humour, and their optimism! Every compliment is taken as a slander. Every friendly advance is taken suspiciously. What kind of world are we living in? I have been through more things than people know. I have been through some fires that I still haven’t admitted to most people. Most days, I may look cheery, square, and offbeat, but you have no idea how much effort it takes on a daily basis for me to conceal the cracks. I'm no expert at it and for that, I'm glad. I never want to hide all my insecurities. I want to lay them out in the open. If you want to come at me and kill me by using my insecurities against me, then fine. Go ahead. I'll look you straight in the eye while you're doing it, but just remember one thing: I also never told you all my strengths... Mary Shaw ~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-. SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD: "Death is a New Day" by Emm Gryner LAST FEW SONGS I LISTENED TO: + "Swamped" by Lacuna Coil + "Goodbye My Lover" by James Blunt + "Nazi Halo" by Jack Off Jill + "Join Me (In Death)" by H.I.M. + "Torture Me" by Metric 
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Thursday March 16th, 2006. - 10:00 PM