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.oOo...DIARY MENU...oOo. :: Newest Entry ::  |
My Reality Check Bounced .............. << previous // next >>
I have the world's greatest-kept secret on the quickest way to make fat disappear. Even though my hyperactive metabolism keeps me skinny and allows me to eat whatever the heck I want, whenever the heck I want, I know about this secret because I have friends who are constantly battling with their love handles and other body parts that females especially are so self-conscious about. Here it is...I am giving away this secret as a freebie. Consider yourself lucky, blessed, or touched by a monkey's uncle. Are you ready for it? It's coming your way....real soon.......The quickest way to make fat disappear.....*drumroll*.....is to cover your eyes. Alternatively, you could also mutter "Abracadabra," "Presto Change-o," or "Hocus Pocus Alama-go-cus" while wiggling your fingers in a mysterious way around the problem area. In all seriousness, what is much more important than weight is their overall health. A thin person with a belly is more unhealthy and out of shape than an overweight person who is overweight all over, proportionately. If there really was a miracle diet out there, why do you think there are so many gimmicks trying to swindle you into handing out your cash like it's cursed by King Tut himself? Personally, I've never tried any diets because quite honestly, if I lost ANY weight, I wouldn't be here...I'd be six feet under. Nevertheless, I do battle with my own self-concept of what is the ideal weight. I wish I was about 10 pounds heavier, but this is my body, in all its humourous glory. I can't say that I totally accept myself and I have yet to meet anyone who does accept themself 100%. I mean, sure, I've had friends who put on the Barbie kilowatt smile and make you think they're happy, perky, and super-confident....but...I find that those same people tend to have the most insecurities. They've built up a Wall of China around them to act as a superficial barrier from outside ridicule. But then...they realize that clamming up about their insecurities actually breeds more self-loathing and the insecurities intensify, causing inner turmoil. Crude moral of the story? Don't act like your shit doesn't stink because there are enough flakes in your cereal...no need to add to it. If there's one thing that ticks me off, it's people who fake perfection. Embrace your imperfections as best as you can. I know that I'm trying my darnest to... Another thing that irritates me is when a male singer sings in an annoying high pitch OR hits super-irritating high notes. A quick example (of the former) that springs to mind is Prince's song, "Beautiful." When a guy sings like that, I don't care what the lyrics are about or how nice the melody is, I just think --> that guy's pants are too tight and his boys are being strangled. How can I enjoy the song with thoughts like that? I can't. Period. There are some things that happen in church that get people's attention. It might be the really passionate, moving homily by the priest; it might be the outstanding choir boys showcasing their pipes; OR it might be the alter boy fainting during the gospel reading, causing him to take a nosedive face-first towards the carpeted ground, rolling down the 3 steps leading up to the altar, while dropping his candle and causing the carpet to burst into small flames, all in front of approximately 500 church-goers. Think I'm off my rocker? Well, that last example actually DID happen today during the noon mass I attended!!!!!! (Yes, I can hear you gasp all the way from here.) The boy was probably 9 years old or so and I felt so badly for him! How embarassing! Several deacons quickly ran to pick him up and take him someplace where he could lie down and 'come to'...As it turns out, the boy was alright afterwards (thank goodness!). It was just one of those things. Perhaps it was a little too hot in the church (not much oxygen), he didn't have any breakfast, or he has low blood pressure. As for the fire, they put it out with a small bowl of water and stomped on it for a bit. Geez, and some people think that church is boring!!! Emanate Impenetrable gloom permeating lost dreams Hmm...right now I don't know what to write about. In situations like this, I call upon the god, Rambling Rose. Oh Rambling, thou art the one to save me from my internal mental emptiness....humm-in-a, humm-in-a, humm-in-a... Fine print: No animals were harmed in the process of writing (so PETA, don't harass me!), however one or two braincells were brutually murdered. For $2 a day, you can support the Almost Brainless Mary Fund. Don't delay! Adopt a brain cell today (and save other brains from drying out)! I did! I called mine Curious George. Hurry because supplies are (VERY) limited. Brain cells are displayed in an attractive seafoam-green translucent bottle that will handsomely add to your home decor. It also is quite the conversational piece (especially among police officers, coroners, those performing autopsies, and morbid freaks whose fridges you should steer clear of). Be the first on your block to own a genuine brain cell from yours truly....You won't regret it (until you get into legal/psychological trouble). Quick! Act now and I'll include a one-year subscription to The National Enquirer because if you're so stupid to be sucked into this marketing ploy, you probably won't care about the kind of crap you read. The National Enquirer also can be used to effectively line the bottom of your hampster's cage. So not only will you be getting a human brain cell, but you will also be getting a subscription to a worthless tabloid that will further rot your mind so that you will be more susceptible in the future to buy even more crap! Marketing is wonderful, ain't it? It's right up there with abrasive colon cleanings by a large man named Bruno or Moose. Okay, my brain farted enough for this evening...Could you smell the fumes over there or what? UGH! Expect more absurdity from Pandora's Box. I'm actually going to try harder to write at least one entry every month. I noticed that over the years I've become more and more lax with writing in here. In the first year, I practically wrote a little blurb every single day or at least, once a week. Now, it's more like I only have a new entry every few months. I hope my mad writing skillz aren't going to the dogs, yo! (Hehe...I'm laughing right now because what I said reminded me of my boyfriend...It's a sorta-inside joke). Anyway, I feel that there's always something to be said, even if it's, "I don't know what to say." hehe...so, I'm going to do my best to try to write at least one entry per month. They might be short or long, but the point is that I want to write in here on a more regular basis if possible. Hmm...I need someone else to help me "enforce" this new rule of mine...Is there anyone out there willing to do so? You could say, "Mary, if you don't write a new online diary entry every month, I'm gonna......I'm gonna.....I'm gonna stick carrots up your nose!!!! Grrrrrr!!!!" Yep, carrots are about as violent as you can get....Hey, this is a family-friendly website, so what did you expect? If you thirst for blood and violence, go watch a TYPICAL gangster/hip-hop music video or attend an underground street boxing match. This is the land of fairies and daisies...where we say "please" and "thank you"....where the sun is usually always shining and the birds are always chirping (to the point of annoyance, actually).....and where the Smurfs are constantly singing us their crazy and complicated "La la, lalala, laa, la, lalala laaaa" song. So SMILE, because you're on Candid Camera and you have brocolli stuck between your two front teeth... *~* Mary Shaw *~* ~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-. " When You Look Outside, Look Inside To Your Soul " ~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-. SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD: "Let Me Go" by 3 Doors Down LAST FEW SONGS I LISTENED TO: + "Wasting My Time" by Default + "Mary" by Scissor Sisters + "1, 2 Step" by Ciara (featuring Missy Elliot) + "Crusaders Anthem" by Dream Evil + "The Boys of Summer" by DJ Sammy (featuring Loona) + "#1 Crush" by Garbage + "My Mistake" by MXPX + "Bounce" by Sarah Connor + "Andy, You're a Star" by The Killers + "Together Again" by Sash 
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Sunday March 6th, 2005. - 6:30 PM