I Cry Myself To Sleep .............. << previous // next >>

Thursday October 25th, 2001. - 10:00 PM

Why is it that you always hurt the one you love? When things are going well, why do they suddenly sometimes take a turn for the worse? I've just been thinking about my relationship with my boyfriend. There was a time when I felt incredibly close to him. We would laugh and smile so much...and I would get so giddy when I was around him or when I picked up the phone, to hear his voice. I remember those days. It wasn't that long ago. Danny and I have only been boyfriend and girlfriend for 8 months (and at the end of October, 9 months). Everything was going great. We totally clicked once we got together.

Okay, I'm going to have to rewind the tape here or you won't understand where I'm coming from and how I'm feeling right now. It all started off at work. Danny and I used to be co-workers. Sure, we flirted a little bit, but nothing more ever resulted. Then, finally, I got another job and then he went off to university. We kept in contact all this time, through e-mail and ICQ. Then, one day, I was delighted when he asked for my telephone number. That meant that he was going to call me and it was a little indication that he liked me, even. Anyway...I still remember December 26th, 2000. That was the very first time that Danny ever called me. We talked a little bit and I remember enjoying his conversations so much. He seemed to have this spark, this charisma...this entertaining quality. Whatever it was, he definitely had me interested in him. Then, one day, he asked me in a roundabout way if he could be my boyfriend. It was funny, because he said something like, " Sooo...Mary, if someone were to ask you who I am, what would you tell them?" I giggled and told Danny to just be blunt and say that he wants to know if we're boyfriend and girlfriend. He laughed. It was an awkward moment, but delightful all at the same time. I told Danny that if there was a mutual feeling, I would say that he and I were involved. If it wasn't mutual, then I would say that we were good friends. Danny asked me if it was mutual. I then asked rhetorically, " I don't know. What do you think?" Haha...we basically went in a circle...until finally, I said, " I think it's mutual." and Danny agreed. Then, I giggled and announced that as of January 31st, 2001 we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend. It was around 2 o'clock in the morning, but I've never been so glad to stay up so late. Instantly, I felt this warm sensation (no, it wasn't hot flashes...I'm too young for that). I don't know exactly how to describe it, but I'm going to try to, because it was such a wonderful feeling that I just HAVE to share it with you. It was the feeling of intense joy and elation. The warmth spread from the inside out, if that makes sense to you. I actually felt it go from my chest all the way down to my fingertips. I couldn't stop smiling and just the sheer thought of Danny and I together made my heart race with delight and anticipation. The months that followed were sensitive and memorable. I somehow felt as though Danny had filled my heart with something that I've never truly had to begin with. It was as if we were destined to be together. Everything felt so natural, and I couldn't imagine my life without him, now that he was an important person in my life. "Our" song is this one by pianist, Jim Brickman. It's not terribly popular, but the meaning behind it and the melody of the piano's keys touched both of us. It's called "Destiny". It's a duet and I remember dancing to that song with him, in his basement. He's a total sweetheart, even though he'd like to fool me into believing that he's Superman and part wolverine and vampire...Hehehe....

So, I remember on our 4 month anniversary, Danny sent me half a dozen red roses to my front door. That was the sweetest thing ever and I'll never forget it. I remember reading the tiny card in the flower box. It said something like: " If I had one wish, I'd wish that you were the happiest girl ever"....*Smile* So thoughtful!!!!!! Then, the day after, I got a nice handwritten letter in the mail from him! I remember not being able to contain myself from smiling. He had this effect on me. I don't know how to describe it...It was just his charm.

Anyway, you're probably wondering where this is all leading to. This will be the sadest entry yet. I can feel it in my bones (and I'm a skinny person). *Sigh* Danny and I have been drifting further away (mentally) from each other ever since September. I don't know what happened. It's like we both changed and in the process, we lost something vital in our relationship. We had a couple of arguements. No, we didn't yell our heads off at each other (we don't do that sort of thing). It's more like we annoyed each other and that led to the 'rational' arguing. Then, I became too expectant to hear those three magical words...and to this day, I still haven't heard them. Of course that created doubt. Not only that, but great sadness. Then I questioned myself: " Do I love him?" I cried when I couldn't even answer my own question. Everything has been such a haze lately. I feel like I have been blinded by all the happy lovey-dovey times he and I had together. Maybe we didn't open our eyes to reality for the first few months. I don't know. All I know is that I want whatever we lost, back. I miss it and I need it. If I can't get it back, I don't know what I'll do. Actually, it's not really that I don't know WHAT I'll do...It's more like I am AFRAID of what I'll HAVE to do...and that is: break up with him. I thought about it a lot (probably too much) ever since the end of last month. It seems like we keep building problem upon problem and conflict upon conflict. It's becoming almost unbearable and I've been crying myself to sleep some nights. I pray to God and ask Him to help me out. Whatever He decides should happen is in my best interest, no matter what the consequence. I totally believe that, but it hurts excruciatingly, beyond any words that I can use to describe it. Empty doesn't sound strong enough. Sad doesn't account for all the tears I've cried. Unwanted doesn't describe my loneliness. *frown* What I want to know is: " Why are we so unsuccessful now? Things were going great before." I guess no one can have smooth sailing all of the time. I should be glad that I at least experienced it. I fell in love. I lived life. I should be grateful, but how come I'm not? Why do I feel like my stomach is twisted in a knot and why, oh why do I feel so cynical and uneasy? Is it just the result of heartache, or is it something more? I wonder. Maybe right now, I'm doubting my abilities to love and be loved. I think that I'm unsure about a lot of things. Everything seems so shaky and I'm in a state of trance-like dizziness where my head is spinning with all the hurt and grief. Do I hold on to Danny and try to make this work or am I just tricking myself that it will work out? Should we give each other room and remain just friends for a while to see how that works out? I don't know. I don't know a lot of things right now. I'm confused and disappointed that our relationship has stalled like it has. Basically, I feel like worthless shit, to be completely honest. (Yeah yeah, you're probably surprised that I used that kind of language, knowing the squeaky-clean Mary Shaw, but I am feeling really volatile right now and using the s word that refers to feces doesn't seem to matter now...I want to let my hair down, so to speak, and let my hurt and pain pour out onto this page). I need it. It's theraputic for me to write in here. If you can't handle this, or if you are offended by things I say, I'm sorry, but you're not fit to be here then. I'm a 19-year-old girl with problems and feelings just like all the ones you are faced with. I should be allowed to express myself if all of this is going to heal my spirit. Please, just bear with me....I'm feeling downright depressed...and this isn't characterisic of me. I promise that when I feel like my cheery self again, I'll write another entry to cover up this muck-of-an-entry. Until then, just let me wallow in my sadness. I want to analyze my problem.

Sometimes I think that I am the problem in the relationship. More than half of the conflicts we had, concerned me directly. I sometimes wonder if Danny would honestly be better off without me. I would never want to hold him back in life or in anything that he wanted to do. I can't understand myself. Part of me knows that I'm the root of his problem and the other part of me wants to cling on to him and work it out. I don't want him to suffer or cry or get hurt. I just don't know what to do or say anymore. It's like I just woke up and realized that I'm a hindrance....a burden....a problem. Danny told me that he doesn't want to break up and that he really cares about me, but it's just the moutain-building of problems that keep on popping up without their corresponding resolutions. One current issue is one regarding a third party, whom Danny is jealous of. I'll not go into great detail about that.

I'm crumbling apart. I feel helpless and idiotic. I never thought that I'd see the day that we would actually contemplate breaking up, seriously. Danny has been the ultimate boyfriend...but we've had so many downs that my brain and emotions are all a great big jumble. I can't think cogently. It's as if all my emotions come in spurts. One second, we'll be talking and laughing and then the next second, we'll be all teary-eyed and sad about our future. What am I to do? What are WE supposed to do? I want an answer and yet I know that it's not going to be one that's clear as day. All I know is that I have to try to be strong right now, even though I feel weak. You know, my dad always says, " When you're at your lowest, you should be at your strongest". I need to use that ideology right now. I admit that I'm at a low point in my life. Now it's time for Mary to be strong. It's essential.

I can't believe it. I'm crying right now. So much for being strong! I just feel so lost. I don't think that I've ever been so heartbroken about someone who I cared so deeply about. It makes me feel ill and depressed. I just want to wake up tomorrow and have this mess all cleaned up. Why can't it be as easy as that? Does sadness really build up character or does it make a person crack? I believe that it has the power to do either. I just hope that I don't crack.

I feel miserable, God. No, I don't blame you for any of it. I get what I get when I get it and I'll lose what I've gained if you say so. Whatever you have laid out for my future with Danny, I'll take it, but if it's for the worse, I can't promise that I'll be able to stay strong. I'll try, God....I'll try. All I ask is that you be with me, like you always have been. I'll need your guidance. Please help me. I'm so sad and I'm tired....

Readers, I have to abruptly end this entry. I don't have the heart to dwell on my sadness. I don't want it to spread. I'm sorry.

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