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Breathing Fire, Spitting Acid .............. << previous // next >>
It seems that my last entry has created outcries from the so-called "guilty parties." I find that absolutely ridiculous and in a way a little comical that it had the impact that it did, considering that this is MY diary and not theirs. I can say whatever the heck I want in here and you know it! Since gossip seems to be spreading like wildfire and this page has recently become a "hot spot" for flames and fumes, I've decided to post a letter I wrote to someone. Soak it up like a sponge....and just give it up already! (If you have no idea what I'm talking about, read the previous diary entry -- haha, if you DARE!) Onwards and Upwards!!!!! * All names are kept anonymous * ---------------LETTER STARTS------------------- Hi [name], I hope you're doing well. Let me start off by saying that I was writing about only SOME of the people at the party and also some people who I've been friends with since high school whom none of you know. That being said, I have an obvious "Disclaimer" on the left side of my diary and since you chose to read my entry, you have accepted the notion that this is My diary, MY thoughts, MY ego. Everything contained in my diary is opinion-based. Everyone is allowed to have opinions and to express the way they feel, just as you have done in your e-mail. I respect your opinions and from what I gather from your e-mail, you seem to also respect mine. Thank you. Opinions are not facts and shouldn't be treated as such. You were not one of the people I was talking about in my diary and I found it strange how you felt you needed to "explain/justify" why you were drinking ( -- that you had issues to cope with). I'm not your mother and I'm not their mother. Contrary to popular opinion, I was NOT brought up in a prudish manner. I just don't care for excess drinking and I have that right to not like something that others like. I'm also allowed to worry about people who I think are potentially harming themselves. Obviously friendship is not always dandy, but things shouldn't be constantly in a nosedive either...or at least feeling like one... It is NOT like I was going through some terrible crisis the week of the party. My decision arose after much thought from MANY months ago. Whenever I told certain (uh...anonymous) people my concerns (not about drinking, but about other matters in life), I'd get typical cheap responses like: "Sucks to be you." or "That stinks." or no response at all. True friendship should be a strong support system. I'm not looking for a relationship in which all you do is sit down and talk about life....GEEZ!...I also know how to have fun, but I've always enjoyed deep provocative discussion. Obviously not all friendship involves 50/50 give and take. I'm not so disillusioned to think that, BUT, I DO feel that if I'm helping friends with their issues and if they can't even do that for me ONCE, then those cannot be good friends. That doesn't necessarily equate to them not being good people, because they probably are, but their relationship with me is not close...and I am the one who feels as though I got a sour-lemon-of-a-deal. Like I said before, I didn't lump you into the group of which I spoke. You and I were like the "Hi, how are you doing?" type of friends who weren't terribly close. I have absolutely nothing against you and I hope you don't have anything against me. The fact is, though, that we weren't close either, so for you to suggest that I talk to [name] or whomever about it, was pretty good advice for a general situation, but not this one. I may have been "close" to her and others, but even that wasn't really close. It was a hanging-at-the-mall-talk-about-boys type of relationship. What's more, I don't fit into that circle of friends. That's no slander to the group, but it's the truth. I've never felt truly connected to any one of you. But, since I've met more people at university, thank God I finally established a close tie (a lifelong tie most likely) with several individuals. I deserve that. If I don't "click" with your group, but I "click" with another, most likely I will want to spend my time with the group I "click" with. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to understand it. Of course, one could argue that just because I don't "click" with a group, it doesn't mean that I have to completely sever all ties with it. Maybe, however, especially after that party, I can't say that I truly feel comfortable with those certain people. We're not on the same wavelength at all...and I'm not sure if we ever were to begin with. Just like I don't know much about you guys (I mean NOT just eye colour and university major, etc. --something deeper), I don't think you guys ever got to know me well. That's no crime though. People are allowed to choose the friends they make and keep...and those whom they open up to. I can't say that I ever TRULY opened up to any of you and there's a lot that you all will never know.....just as there are many things I don't know about you guys. This is life...and it's bittersweet. Yes, I think that drinking to get drunk is stupidity and although you disagree, you have not swayed my opinion. You're allowed yours, so I'm allowed mine. My diary and my thoughts are just that.....my own....They are not meant to be "politically correct", nor are they to take into account everyone's views on the subject. That would defeat the purpose of my diary. To other people, getting drunk may be an effective way to release some steam, to forget about a rape, to lose inhibitions or whatever....but to me, it's only digging your hole deeper...adding to your problems.....disillusioning yourself into thinking that you feel good, but eventually the buzz wears off and then you realize that the worries still come back and that eventually, you still have to deal with the exact same issue you were faced with before. Getting drunk is an attempt to ignore a problem, but it fails because it only prolongs your ability to confront it. Do whatever you want, [name]......As for the other people in the group, they will do whatever they want. That's their choice. I'm not their mother and I certainly wasn't a close friend. Some of them may become alcoholics and some may not. Obviously if you drink, it does NOT 100% necessarily mean you'll become an alcoholic. That wasn't the real point I was making and I wouldn't be so ignorantly foolish to dare think something that dumb (give me some credit!). My point was that it hurts to see people (anyone, not just friends) abuse themselves (and yes, getting drunk is a form of abuse). If you cannot understand me, I hope one day you will. Thank you for not telling [name] or whomever to read my online diary. Frankly, my diary entries are NOT a replacement for talking to someone about problems. They are for my own analysis...to come to conclusions regarding my own problems and to remember the events that happened in my life. It should be obvious: If I wanted to talk to particular people about the 'problem', I certainly would have....but the fact is that I've moved on. Little do you know how many chances I DID give some people. The party was the final one. I'm tired of not having fulfilling relationships with those people and like I said, I met ones who seem more like me. It's not like I'm going to be missed by your group anyway. As I said before, we were never really close. Oh, and it's nice how you defended your group of friends....very nice. They're lucky to have a friend like you. :) In a strange aftertaste, it seems as though you think that I didn't work on the friendship. You and I weren't close, but if you were, you'd know that I certainly did. That one party wasn't the be all, end all. It was just a wake up call and boy did it ever ring loud and true. This was a decision that took months to make. I am NOT the type of person to run away from adversity at the first signs of trouble. I have a backbone...and I'm sure now it shows, since I am no longer taking shit from an unsatisfactory relationship. Yes, I agree with you that you don't necessarily get to decide how your friends will treat you, BUT, if you don't like the way they treat you or if you feel uncomfortable around them, then you DO get to decide whether or not you want to hang around those supposed friends. Thanks for your well wishes and thanks for remembering my novel-in-progress (which is actually turning out fantastic...It's now 10,000 words long). I've been keeping busy this entire summer, working one-on-one with a professor, as a casual research assistant. I see that you've also been quite accomplished...From your e-mail address I take it that you're working with the [company name]! Way to go, [name]! :) I hope you're enjoying your job and are learning a lot of valuable knowledge! Keep it up!!!! You may not choose to reply to this e-mail (and please don't feel obligated to), so I'll end this letter by saying this: I'm not sure how you came across my diary (probably through [name]), but thanks for writing and showing that you give a damn (even though we weren't close friends). I still respect you and I hope that you still respect me. Maybe one day I will want to hang out with those particular people again, but...it's like a mirror that has shattered into many tiny pieces and no matter how hard you try to glue them back together, it will never look nor will it ever be the same again...no matter how much effort you make. Slightly pessimistic? Sure. Realistic? You better believe it! Take care and enjoy the rest of your summer!!!! ----------------END OF LETTER-------------------- Yes, I sure do have high expectations of friends and of people in general (including myself). The fact of the matter is though, that I will NEVER EVER apologize for writing something in my diary. Why not? Because I write with honesty and from my heart. What I write, I mean. What I write, I feel. I will not and should not apologize ever for feeling and for being a human being. If people are offended by what I write in my diary, they know better and they are quite capable of turning around and walking the other direction (or just exiting my website). There's no gun pointed at your head, but if you linger and read on, as mentioned in my disclaimer, be prepared for what awaits you. If you cannot handle it, don't force yourself to read what I write. It's as simple as that and you shouldn't be immature about it. That's just lame. If some people think I'm a snob, I don't care. I will not apologize for having worried about those 'friends.' I hate seeing anyone abuse themself...It's so tragic and it just rips your soul apart. But, the time has come to just let go and let live. The moral for today? You can't get along with everyone and that's A-Okay!!! So, I'm gracefully backing away from a group of people who will not even miss me. It's a win-win situation...so whoop-dee-do-da, go fly a kite! ~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-. " When You Look Outside, Look Inside To Your Soul " ~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-. SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD: "Mocking Bird" by Megan Slankard LAST FEW SONGS I LISTENED TO: + "One Way Mule" by Silverchair + "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks + "How Soon is Now" by Love Spit Love + "Puddle of Grace" by Amy Jo Johnson + "Horizon" by 38th Parallel + "Shut Up" by Black Eyed Peas 
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Thursday August 19th, 2004. - 5:40 PM