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I'm Gonna Let It Shine .............. << previous // next >>
I am single again. Danny and I broke up on Saturday. Actually, you could even consider it happening on Friday. On Friday, Danny called me and told me that for the past 2 weeks he just woke up and the feeling for me was gone. He tried to forget about it, but it wouldn't go away. Upon hearing this, I felt empty, sabotaged, and lonely. No words can really express my feelings at the time. I was hurt and sad. I was both scared and vulnerable. We had not long ago celebrated our anniversary of one year and four months together. To tell you the truth, lately I was falling more and more in love with Danny, so you can imagine how much grief I felt when I learned that he had been losing his love for me. Of course, I started crying. I can remember most of it, even though I want to forget it. I was sitting on the black leather sofa in my living room, with all the lights turned off. Finally, after a long time, we swerved again and decided to stay together. The next day (Saturday), I felt a need to call him and get a more confident answer from him as to what we were to do from there. Well, I ended up crying uncontrollably like a little kid. Danny asked if he could come over to my place. I told him that he didn't have to, but he kept asking, and I finally said okay. When he came over, I started crying again. My eyes were so swollen, puffy, and sore. I can't remember when the last time was since I cried this much. It felt awful to do so, and I knew that I looked horrible with my red eyes and dripping nose, with tissue paper in hand. Danny tried to comfort me and then he whispered in my ear that it was going to be okay because he changed his mind and we were still going to be together. I tried to stop crying, but for some reason, the damage was already done. I knew how he felt. He lost the love we once had. This has always been a stark nightmare of mine - having someone fall out of love with me. Throughout the afternoon, we talked and joked normally, without shedding another tear. Later on in the day, however, he and I changed our minds again. We're going to be best friends. I started crying again when I thought of all the wonderfully intimate times we spent together, sharing our souls. Those memories will remain with me always but I feared that the new memories we would have together would not compare to the closeness we once had. I was horrible! I cried, I coughed, and I'm embarrassed and downright ashamed to say that I also felt like puking. Several times I felt something come up my throat, but nothing came out. I sat on my bed with Danny, both of us sad and sulky. He cried a little, but I was balling my eyes out. Danny was my first real love. It hurt....bad. Finally, we headed down the stairs to the front door. It was getting late and he had to go home. I cried and cried that I didn't want him to go. If that was the last day we would spend together, I wanted it to last for as long as possible. I remember closing my eyes and touching his face. This was when we were in my room. I wanted to remember what it felt like - to be so close and still in love with him. I knew that eventually my love for him would have to end. I kissed him a few times when we were in my room. His kisses I will always remember. Anyway, so when he left, he walked briskly out the door. I watched him as he left. At the time, the action almost symbolized how he was walking out of my life as a boyfriend. I thought that he wouldn't look back, but finally, he did and he waved. I just put my hand up and watched as he disappeared from sight. I closed the door behind me and my heart felt so low. I tried not to, but I sobbed like a little kid again. I couldn't help it. I am a highly emotional person and whenever I feel violated or insecure or upset in any way, I feel deeply about it. A lot of the time I tend to take things personally, although lately I've taught myself how not to. This has saved my sanity numerous times. Anyway, so on Sunday I started to feel better about it all. I started realizing that although I so often denied it, Danny and I were in fact very different. I wouldn't say too different though. I find that I can express how I feel about things, but a lot of times, Danny cannot tell me how he feels. He has difficulty getting the words out. He confuses himself by asking himself rhetorical questions. It can't be a 'guy thing' because I've known many guys who can express what's on their minds. That was and is probably the most upsetting thing. There are other things, but I don't want to talk about them because Danny and I are now only friends. I don't need to be as picky as I was when he was my boyfriend. I probably won't get to see him as much or even have as frequent intimate discussions with him anymore, so I'm not going to look at him through the eyes of a girlfriend (because I'm not his anymore.) That wouldn't be right or fair to him. It doesn't work like that. Anyway, I just pray that we can remain good friends on good terms. I'd be utterly disappointed if we lost touch with one another. You know...I'm not angry at God for taking Danny away from me. He probably has a really good reason for doing it. Maybe it was to save me from future problems, or even bigger heartaches. I don't know. Maybe God is gracing me with a wonderful best friend instead. I don't know. What I do know is that my eyes are no longer red and puffy. My tears do not come down anymore, when I think about the break up. This entire ordeal has taught me an important lesson which could not truly be learned any other way except through one's own experience. I learned that sometimes letting go hurts, but is necessary for true happiness. Sometimes you can't hold on to everything no matter how hard you try or how badly you want it. You don't have control over everything and that's the way it is. While I still may replay the events in my head and keep wondering "What if?," I can't go back to the way things were. The time has already passed. This is the course we both needed to take to learn about each other and about relationships. I know that Danny still cares about me, even if he doesn't love me as a girlfriend. I'm delighted at that, because now when I think about it, I haven't lost him at all. I've just gained him as a friend - and a best friend at that. It's a lot better than other couples who go through a nasty fight, bicker, and then become enemies. Danny and I never really yelled at each other. We remained in good terms all the way through the break up. Could I ask for more? No. We will still support each other. We will still think positively about one another. So what if we didn't work out as a couple? We had a great time together, learned a lot, and now know how to avoid future errors. You know...just like Danny told me before: There's a whole world out there waiting for me...and it's beautiful. Yes, Danny and I broke up, but I refuse to be poisoned any longer by negative and hurtful thoughts. It's time to move on. Like a popular song says, "This little light of mine...I'm gonna let it shine...let it shine, let it shine, let it shine..." Yeah...it sounds corny, but please think about the deeper message I am implying. ~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-. TRIVIAL TIDBITS ABOUT ME: RIGHT NOW ~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-. EYES: I'm not wearing any make-up at all today. NAILS: Still wearing no nail polish LIPS: Slicked with some lip gloss HAIR: I blow-dried my hair this morning and braided it. THINKING ABOUT: What awaits me. WISHING: Things could've worked out even better for Danny and I. Y'know...we haven't spoken since Saturday. I hope that we'll talk on the phone again sometime. CONSUMING: Nothing. READING: Currently, I've been re-reading the 7 novels composing "The Chronicles of Narnia." I love those books by C.S. Lewis. SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD: "Tomorrow" by Avril Lavigne. (Oh...and by the way, I ended up buying Avril's debut album on June 4th - the first day that it was released.) SONG I'M LISTENING TO NOW: I'm not listening to any music. 
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Monday June 10th, 2002. - 3:29 PM