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Mirror : Myself .............. << previous // next >>
Well...I have so many things that I want to say, and yet, I don't want to say on here. I think that it has to do with the fact that I am somewhat lazy tonight (It's actually midnight). I don't really feel like typing, but I wanted to update my page. It's one of those love/hate relationships I have with this online diary. I like it, for the fact that I can vent things out and archive it in a "safe" little place in cyberspace. I also dislike it, because my thoughts never flow out naturally or freely when I'm on the computer typing. I'm really a "tried and true" person (in certain respects). I would rather write out something with a pen/pencil and paper than type it on a keyboard. I like the "old-fashion" method. I would much rather receive a handwritten letter than an e-mail, to tell you the truth. To me, it seems so much more personal. I like things like that....personal. It means more. It shows that the person put more thought into it. It means they care. This brings me to another issue. I haven't heard from "Crafty Boy" lately. (Okay...yes...you read that right. I wrote 'Crafty Boy'. I have decided not to post his name so that I can talk about him freely with the privacy that I want) Anyway...so I haven't gotten any signs of life from "Crafty Boy". I'm beginning to think that he doesn't care about me anymore. It seems like we're beginning to get distanced away from one another and this has been bugging me for the longest time. I haven't REALLY talked to anyone about it, because I'm praying that things will get better. So far, the situation hasn't changed. I don't even get to see "Crafty Boy" anymore and I miss him. I wonder if he even thinks about me anymore. Maybe he's got his mind preoccupied with other things far more important than me. It makes me sad. It makes me wonder. "Crafty Boy" and I share the same sense of humour, attitudes towards life and spunk. Then, we drifted (for no aparent reason) and here I am, floating atop the waters of the sea. I don't see the shore anywhere in sight and I don't see "Crafty Boy" coming to rescue me either. (Mind you, this is all metaphorically speaking). Anyway...this is all very frustrating to me. Part of me thinks that he still cares and another part of me believes that he wants to move on. Maybe it is time to move on. I'm not sure how I'll go about it, but I guess it's one thing that I'm going to have to do. It will be hard. I know that I'll still have him as a friend, but it's not quite the same. I think that I've lost him altogether. I'm not sure. I'm not sure about anything anymore. It's all really confusing. I bet this is confusing for you to even understand what I just wrote (haha). Anyway...I'll never forget all the fun times "Crafty Boy" and I had together. Now that I think about it, he was too good to be true. Some dreams shatter, but the memories live on. He'll always be a part of my heart, even if I'm no longer a part of his. With that, the fair lady walked out of the utopian sandy beach, into a desert. What awaits her, only time will tell. Christmas is coming. New Year's Eve...not far away. New Year's Day.....getting closer and closer. I'm so excited and then again, so disappointed. Things are starting to happen so quickly lately, that I just don't know how I should act or what I should do anymore. It's almost like events are being flung at me and I have no choice but to stand and face it. Well...as each of my days unfold before my eyes, I begin to learn more about myself - Mary: the person. Mary: the philosopher. Mary: the aimless wanderer. Mary: the supposed intellect that everyone else sees. This last year, I've learned so much about myself. Sometimes, I even shock myself. I mean, I crack into a whole new perspective of myself which I have not seen yet. It's incredible how a person can go on living with oneself for 18 years and still learn new things about the personality and surprises of the individual. I have changed so much since last year. If you saw me, yes, physically, I have also somewhat changed, but perhaps, if you looked closer, you'd realize that my perceptions, mentalities, values, etc. have broadened and changed. I'm not the same 18 year old I was last week...or the week before that. It seems like every single day, I'm starting to learn more about myself. It's happening so fast. One day, I'm like this. The next, I'm like that. I'm everything I ought to be...and yet...everything that I shouldn't be. I'm a contradiction. Very few people note this swervering in me. I almost didn't see it myself. I have changed so much on the inside....You wouldn't even believe it. Well...I'm going to wrap up this self-analysis. My thoughts are soggy and muffled. I think that I need to get some sleep now and hopefully things will start clearing up when I wake up tomorrow morning. Goodnight all. Sweet dreams...Take care. Remember to SPREAD THE SUNSHINE and make every moment count! *muahhhhhhh*
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Tuesday November 27th, 2000. - 12:17 AM