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I'll Never Be Who You Want .............. << previous // next >>
I'm afraid of change to a certain extent, which I assume to be natural. I don't freak out over it. I more or less contemplate about what I am going to do about it and how I'm going to cope with it. That's just about all you can do in situations which call for change. I go about relationships in the same manner. If something isn't working well, I'll think about what should be done in a given situation. Sometimes people, like anything else, after remaining static for so long, become quite the bore or at least start to annoy you. If there is a conflict of interest, this also becomes a problem. It is especially difficult when the static problem is that which revolves around a cultural clash. This upsets me. Yes, I understand that culture and tradition are important, but I cannot understand why some people impose it upon you, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. That is just wrong. The whole point of sharing culture, ideas and traditions is to unite a group of people and bring them closer together in a tight-knitted community, isn't it? It isn't there to isolate or make a person feel like an outcast. This is what I have always thought and that is why I have never imposed my own culture upon other people. I learn about other people's upbringing and share mine with them. I think this is natural, isn't it? If I thought that only MY ways were the RIGHT ways, that would come off as being prejudiced, wouldn't it? I think so. It irritates me when I come across narrow-minded people who only stick to their own ways and aren't flexible or broad-minded enough to learn from others. Life is not supposed to be conforming to one particular way of thinking. It is supposed to embrace all different kinds of thinking mentalities, ethnicities, cultures, traditions, ideas, etc. "Variety is the spice of life." ...but some people's spices are hot and give us heartburn. Why can't we learn to accept people more for who they are instead of forcing them to conform and change. That's not natural. Okay, I understand if you want to get rid of bad habits (like fingernail biting, procrastination, shopaholic syndrome and such), but things like how to greet someone? That's just trivial. I can understand someone who's annoyed to be greeted with something like, "Yo, idiot!" to be upset, but I think that it's ABSOLUTELY ridiculous for a person to get particular if I say "Hi Sir!" to them instead of some cultural greeting which I am not used to. Would this be right for me to greet them the way they want me to, if I am uncomfortable with it and it isn't me? Are they trying to change me to make me fit and conform into their set mold? Maybe...or maybe they think that they're doing me some good. I have no idea what they're thinking. I'm not bringing up this topic just because it crossed my mind...It's because a certain anonymous event occurred just recently and I needed to let off a little steam. I DO feel rather ticked off at the present moment (as you can probably tell). In the next little bit of this diary entry, I will be using the word 'you' a lot, but don't have any misunderstandings...I'm NOT talking about YOU (the reader). I'm writing this entry like I'm speaking to a certain person or to certain people. I will with-hold all names to protect embarrassment and ensure privacy among them and myself. Now, just sit back as I explode and burst. They say that to improve relations with them, you have to greet them the way they want to be greeted (a trivial thing). I have a little rant about that. If you want to improve relations, why don't you speak a common language so that I can actually understand what you're saying to me? Don't you know how uncomfortable I feel every time you talk to me at the dinner table and I have absolutely NO CLUE what you're talking about? Don't you know how it is impossible for me to answer your question if I don't know what the heck you're saying? Don't you think that if you want to improve your relations with me and actually COMMUNICATE with me, you have to help me UNDERSTAND what's going on? Is this not logical????? This is my greatest annoyance: being invited over to someone's place by a friend (or significant other) and they all speak their own language (of which I don't understand) and they don't really translate the conversation until you ask them. They KNOW that you don't understand because you've TOLD them, oh....I don't know...just about TEN times that you don't...and they still persist. I think that this is very rude and ill-mannered...making their guest feel isolated and awkward. This is CANADA! I was born here. I was not born in China. I speak English. I know only a LITTLE (insignificant) bit of the Chinese language. I wish I knew more so that I could actually talk to you and understand everything that you say, but I can't. I fall short of your expectations. You say, "What are you going to do about it? Why don't you learn?" Ha! Easier said than done! I don't even have that many Chinese friends, so what....you want me to pick up the language just so that I can join in on your EXCLUSIVE conversations???? Thanks a lot. You're too kind. I know that you speak English and you just don't. You want to speak Chinese, that's fine...but just don't expect me to smile or respond. Yeah...you complain that I don't smile enough....well....I guess you have only seen this situation through YOUR OWN EYES. How would you feel if you had no clue what was going on in a conversation and everyone was laughing? Would you just be stupid and laugh along with them, totally clueless as to what they even said? Sorry, but that's just not my style. I like to know what the heck I'm laughing at and whether the joke is in good taste. I have standards, you know? I'm not some shallow girl who is just dying to fit in. I'd rather be alone than with people who don't communicate well. Cultures are beautiful, but not to the point where you throw it upon another. That makes a person dislike it, even if they liked it before. I cannot understand people who have this mindset that it has to be only this way...with only these kind of people....in only this kind of setting...eating only this kind of food. I mean, BRANCH OUT!!!! You are missing out on what you can learn about the world if you just huddle together with the same kind. Anyone who comes near you will be totally turned off by this sort of attitude. Everyone wants to fit in somehow or other, so why can't you try to get along better and make that transition period easier???? WHY???? Why does it have to be only your way? Why is it that only I have to change? I have done nothing wrong! Maybe the only thing I have done wrong was not conform to your living style. Do you want to know why I haven't? Guess what? I have my own...which has been quite successful for my entire life. I'm not rigid. I embrace differences. You may think that I'm self-absorbed because I don't want to change my ways, but no....this is me. This is who I am. Who are you to say that your way is right and mine is wrong? Have you even given me a chance? Have you really uncovered all the secrets to my soul? Have you cleared up this language barrier...or have you avoided it??? I think that it is only fair if you want me to be flexible and change...then you should be willing to do the same. How can you only take and not give anything in return? Soon I will be giving you so much that I have nothing left for myself. I will just have become pieces of you and who you want me to be. Well....I'll never be that person, because I'll always rebel and want to be myself. I will not lose my identity. I will not conform to everything you say, unless it is worthwhile and beneficial to everyone. I am Mary Shaw. I am not you. I'll never be, no matter how you try to shape me and force me. My own personality will shine through no matter how hard you try to cover up the rays of light. I refuse to act like someone other than myself because this is the only person I know how to be. If you don't like who I am now and what I want to be, then you should not be with me in the first place. Maybe you should find yourself a drone or a robot who will follow your trivial rules or "suggestions". I am not the one for you and I'll never be that person you are looking for. It's as simple as that. If you're not happy, your parents are not happy and I'm not happy......it's time to let go. Happiness abounds in all directions. Maybe we are destined to search elsewhere in a different direction.
~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-. TRIVIAL TIDBITS ABOUT ME: RIGHT NOW ~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-. EYES: Au natural....I couldn't wear eye make-up today because I've been crying a whole lot. *frown* NAILS: No nail polish this time.... LIPS: No chapstick...... HAIR: Put in a little ponytail (a messy one)....I look terrible! I'm a wreck. THINKING ABOUT: My relationship with my boyfriend and his parents (note: cultural conflict). I'm also thinking about how he's never told me that he loves me and I'm beginning to have doubts. I wonder if this is really working out or not. *sigh*............. WISHING: Cultural clashes didn't exist so that people could just learn to love each other for the right reasons (like personality, wit and empathy)......instead of race. SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD: None, currently! SONG I'M LISTENING TO NOW: The one that's playing on this page. If you can't hear it, just turn on your speakers. Also, it helps if you have Microsoft Internet Explorer (because I'm not sure if it plays in Netscape) NOTE TO SELF: Love is an over-rated and over-used word. I wonder if it is even used properly nowadays. I wonder if people really mean it when they say it. I am having lots of doubts. How do you know that you're in love? Am I in love? Am I on the brink of it? Or...have I never even experienced it with my boyfriend???? Does he love me? What if it's no? What if I care? What if I don't care? Would HE care? DOES he care? Whatever.......... 
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Sunday September 9th, 2001. - 3:38 PM