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Changing thoughts. Changing minds. All in a changing world. The more I stop and think about what gives zest to life, the more I see the love that surrounds all of us. Sometimes people just become bystanders and don't get involved in this wonderful exchange of happiness which is expressed through love. We are scared about where IT can lead us or where WE will lead it. No one knows. Love is so risky. Sometimes you just have to trust your instincts and emotions, while other times you have to keep a level-head. When is it right to be practical? When's it right to be yourself and let go? It's right when you FEEL it's right. At that point, it will be like the world opened up to you for the very first time. It will be a new land, unexplored and full of secrets. These secrets are the keys to the human heart and the window to our souls. How we see the world is how we live through it. Adjusting our emotions is difficult (I should know, if anyone does!). Life is one long rollercoaster. Sometimes you enjoy the thrill of the ride, while other times you're so scared that you pee in your pants. Sometimes you want the ride to go on forever and then other times, you're screaming at the top of your lungs to stop the ride because you want to get off. Are you happy with the way you live? Are you doing anything to improve? Do you follow your conscience or are you susceptible to what the group does? Do others treat you the same as you treat them? These are just some of the many questions which we all ask ourselves at some point. We are trying to evaluate our life and our happiness. Are we where we want to be? I ask myself that very question now. It's difficult to answer. I know that I'm not totally satisfied (we never are), but I know that I'm not disappointed. I have very loving parents, my faith, my God and a wonderful boyfriend. I'm content with my life, even though I DO struggle and get frustrated......and get hurt.....and feel sad. This is me. This is my life. Every experience is unique. This is my trail by which I will remember the world and my youth. These are the stories which one day I may tell my future children. You know, I've always imagined what it would be like to have a boyfriend who truly cares about me. Now that I have a steady one, it's interesting. My hopes and dreams are becoming a greater part of my reality. I've always wanted one who'd genuinely care about me and make me feel safe and comfortable. I wanted someone with a quick, witty tongue......and someone who didn't have to say anything at all to cheer me up (a look would be enough). Well...some people said that I was looking for a guy who never existed (pessimists)......and others said that I was holding my ideals too high and that I wouldn't find it. Well....to all those who have doubted my ideals, I'd like you to meet Danny, my boyfriend. He's what I was looking for. To all those reading this diary entry right now....if you've ever had your ideas put down or tossed aside, REMEMBER THIS --> Your dreams are your own. Don't let anyone take them away. If you search long enough, you WILL eventually find what/who you've been looking for. It is in the struggle of searching that builds up your desire. Once you find it, you will know that it was all worth it in the end, and you won't be able to imagine your life in any other way. So...always have dreams. Even if people think that your dreams are "weird".....don't stop....Dreams are as much a part of you as your smile and the shape of your eyes. Don't give up a part of you for someone else's lack of broad-mindedness. Be a complete person. When belief systems fade away and dreams become non-existent, what becomes of human nature? When the darkness starts to overshadow the goodness of a person's mind or heart, what then? What if no one stood up for moral rights and just accepted whatever came their way? Or...here's an even worse thought - what if we didn't learn how to love and didn't know what it felt like to BE loved? What if we never knew this feeling existed? How would we comfort and heal the strains of the heart? Could we? Would we? I have a lot of questions. Perhaps my mind is doing overtime, but I've really been thinking about this, for the past day. I feel blessed for all that I have, for what I can give and for what I will invent myself to be. I'm also disappointed in myself for all that I lack, but that's what makes me imperfect, and more human than ever. No one will ever be perfect. Even that one person you know who SEEMS to be living "the perfect life", isn't. That is an illusion. What I have learned in the past few months is that how we see ourselves and how we see other people is so deceptive. For instance, I think of myself in one light and another person seeing me in a totally opposite light. Most of the times, I realize that we don't think we're as good as other people say we are. We are our greatest critics and we have a secondary lifetime job of putting ourselves down. We are constantly in conflict with ourselves, worrying about if we're living up to other people's expectations or if we are where we want to be. There is not a single person who can honestly say that he or she does not think about how other people see them. This is natural. How else are we to judge our position in the world? We can only compare with the people around us. Are we mediocre? Above average? Poor? Smart? Naive? Sensitive? Argumentative? We are not perfect, and together we make an imperfect world, BUT, we make it unique. We add a new light to the world and without each one of us, the world would lose a piece of itself. So...I guess what I've been thinking about is comforting. Please know that YOU make a difference and YOU are important and YOU are special and YOU are loved. Just look around. Everything is there. See it. Believe it. Dream it. Live it. ~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-. ME: RIGHT NOW -> Trivial little tidbits ~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-. EYES: Au naturel (but I'll be putting eyeliner on later on this afternoon) NAILS: Still the same sparkly sky blue nailpolish as before (and it's MAJORLY chipping)...horrible! LIPS: Au naturel HAIR: Curly as usual and down as usual THINKING ABOUT: Life WISHING: People smiled more SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD: "Pretty Boy" - sung by M2M SONG I'M LISTENING TO NOW: "Can't Take That Away (Mariah's Theme)" - sung by Mariah Carey 
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Wednesday March 14th, 2001. - 12:27 PM