Opinionated, Stubborn & Wordy .............. << previous // next >>

Tuesday January 22nd, 2002. - 11:50 PM

Do you see me as the quiet girl who sits in the corner and observes people? Do you see me as the loud-mouthed female laughing with her friends? Am I the girl you've waited your whole life to find or am I the girl you wish that you never would have met? Do I bring you up towards the sky only to later drive you into the ground? Am I the contradiction you love to hate or hate to love? I am not perfect, I don't try to be and I certainly am aware of all my countless imperfections. I need not be reminded of what I lack, what I fail at and what I probably will never accomplish. Don't tell me these things. Tell me what I can do. Tell me what I've done right. Tell me what you love about me. Bloat my ego as much as you possibly can before you come towards me with a needle, ready to burst it.

Yes, I am a contradiction, but I am who I am. I can be that stubborn girl who never relents, but at times, I can also be that girl who gives in with just the ease of your gorgeous smile. Don't even think about walking all over me, because I've got boots of my own and I know when to run and when to stand up for myself. I may not look incredibly spectacular on the outside, but inside, I'm a vivid dream of imagination that only you will uncover if you give me a chance. If you never give me a chance, you'll never know the real Mary Shaw. You'll never know the 19-year-old girl who has interesting things to say, funny things to say and even stupid things to say. All you'll see is a girl...one girl in the world without a voice (no, not literally). If you don't give me a chance, you'll never hear my story, my ups and my downs, my fears and my accomplishments. You'll just see me as a typical girl who does typical things with typical intents. Please don't do this to me. I don't want to be typical in all respects.

There's something that drives each one of us to becoming more than we have yet to believe. When others stomp on our hearts and crush the bare existence we know of this world, they can prevent us from venturing further. They create the glass ceiling that slowly and unfortunately becomes more opaque as the years go on, even in our own minds. The psychological barrier you impose upon other people limits their potential in ways that you might not realize right away. So, why do it to begin with? Do you want to be a depressor of people? Wouldn't you rather provide people with encouragement instead?

You must know already what it's like to not have been given the opportunity to show your flare. Yes, everyone has the ability to be their own person and do whatever they want. Yes, what other people do to you shouldn't stop you from doing something you want to do. That's what would happen in a perfect world, and we all know that this world is far from perfection. It's not to say that it is horrible. In fact, it is a thing of beauty that offers us the moon, the vast oceans, the creatures and the interconnectedness. The truth though, is that negative people or people who put you down will effect you to a certain degree. My advice (although I know you didn't ask for it) is that you try to remain optimistic through the entire ordeal. Do NOT hesitate to seek help from friends or professionals if you feel uncomfortable handling the situation on your own.

Why am I writing all of this? I've been having numerous dreams over the last month or so. While I usually do have many dreams, I now have been getting them much more frequently, as in - every single night. They are not just the stupid or silly ones that you wake up wondering what you ate before going to bed. These dreams I've been having shed soooooo much insight and emotion and feeling and intensity. I just could NOT keep it bottled up inside any longer. If I did that, I would explode. Actually, maybe that's what's happening right now. *Smirk* Anyway, so...these dreams all involved me in so many different situations. None of them reflected my reality, but nevertheless, they were enlightening. What I started writing in the beginning of this diary entry was just some thoughts I got out of one of my dreams where I was being treated with utter disrespect and negativity. I won't go into the details. I'll save that for my offline diary.

Anyway, don't worry, that dream was only a dream. I don't see how it would be incorporated in my real (waking) life. Still, the dream made me think about all the females out there (and just everyone in general), who are or who were put down, called disrespectful names and limited or cornered by those abusing their power or authority. You have to remain strong through the ordeal and if you don't think that you have the strength, remember that you are not alone. God is with you. Yes, He's with you even if you aren't a Catholic, Muslim, Jew, Protestant, Hindu, Buddhist, etc. Even if you are an atheist, God still loves you and will help you. He didn't demand anything from you or force you to be a certain way. He gave you a choice from the very beginning. Whether you accept that God is with you or not, is the choice. It is a choice that in a way isn't really a choice. Even if you don't acknowledge His presence, He will still be there to love you, care for you and protect you, even after you leave the face of the earth. He won't ever desert you.

You may inquire why God created poverty, disease, the suffering of the innocent and so on. Well, I don't know His great plans. I can only rationalize and believe that it is those very things that make a person stronger and appreciate what we have and who we have. I cannot answer for God. No one can. Some things aren't meant to be understood and the more and more the secular and God-shunning scientists prod their way through discovery, we lose our simplicity, our sense of pureness and above all, our connection with the Almighty Father. Now, don't start thinking that I'm against scientists. I'm not against the good ones. I'm only against scientists whose main concern is for discovering for the sake of discovering and not what is in society's best interest. I do feel that science has its place in the world. How else would we learn about how the universe operates? How would we know what types of resources the earth provides us with? How would we know whether or not it was going to be a rainy, snowy or sunshiny day? It's no doubt that scientists get a bad rap from society, even though some of their achievements have improved our lives a great deal. Such cases are the invention of insulin, antibiotics, heart bypass surgeries (if it wasn't for this one, I would have lost my father when I was in elementary school). Perhaps we are too rash and too quick to point the finger at our choice scapegoats - the scientists, for everything that goes wrong. Their research both helps improve our lives, but has the potential (the dangerous potential) to destroy it all in the blink of an eye. What I'm getting at is that science is important, but we must remember that theology is just as important. We can't make science our religion and use the scientists as our priests.

There have always been much debate on the whole science versus theology topic, even way back in Galileo's day and Darwin's day. This says something about human history and it sure says something about ourselves. Do we really need to know everything? Can't we leave some things secret? How can we know everything that God made and how he made it? Then, there's also the debate about forbidden knowledge and how we can get corrupted if we open 'Pandora's Box'. Some things, as you well know, are irreversible. Do we really want to uncover something that could lead to our destruction (literal death, moral death)?

While I'm on this whole discussion, I might as well voice my opinion about the latest scientific advancement - using pig organs in humans. First off, I want you to know where I stand on the entire DNA manipulation issue: I'm opposed to it all. I do NOT think that altering DNA will improve our lives over the long run. You've heard it many times before: "Playing God" (there's the science versus religion battle again). I don't believe in cloning, genetic engineering, transgenetic organs, ...or any manipulation of deoxyribonucleic acid (I think I spelled it right). Sure, it might seem wonderful at first to extend our lives by toying around with our genes, picking out whether we want blue eyes and strawberry blond hair or black hair and brown eyes. It might sound wonderful to be waiting for an organ donor and getting a pig organ when there's a human shortage. Sure, it might seem like a miracle to be able to grow larger, juicier, tastier, more plentiful tomatoes and other fruits and vegetables. Yeah, if you get into an accident and your right arm gets chopped off (Heaven forbid!), the future hospital might just happen to carry genetically grown limbs, ready to be stitched on, like Frankenstein's creature (Side note: Victor Frankenstein is actually the creator of the creature, contrary to popular belief that Frankenstein is the big green monster/guy with the bolt in his head). I think that genetic manipulation only provides momentary miracles (as I like to call them).

Of course, if I place myself in a situation where I am going to die if I don't get an organ for transplantation, you think that maybe I'd think differently about my alternative options. I can't say no, because things do tend to change when you're IN the situation. Since I'm thankfully not, I can only give you my opinion from this viewpoint. I don't think I would want to get a pig organ placed inside of me for a number of reasons: 1) Pigs are susceptible to various diseases that are currently not affecting humans at the moment. If pig parts are introduced into the human body, some type of disease may surface, and since we're unsure of how to treat it because we've never encountered it, an epidemic may be at hand. 2) What are the ethical implications of raising pigs just to harvest their organs? Won't the animal activists (and people with caring hearts) have something to say about that? 3) Things look okay right now, but later down the road, what if the pig DNA and the human DNA mix and create a whole new and unexpected form of DNA that we can't control? What if it messes up our genes, to the point where the recessive genes become dominant ones? This could cause severe mutations in mass population. 4) Genetic maniplulation strips us of what makes us natural. We were made this way. Why are we trying to push our fate? Do we have to uncover the secrets of the fountain of youth or can't we just learn to age gracefully? Are we so obsessed with this stupid idea of the 'superior human being'??? Do you want to see something superior to the human being? You can look up to the sky or look at the petals of a flower or at the birds collecting leaves and twigs to build a nest. All you see around you is superior and perfected and directed by the hands of God. Nature shuffles genetic material around as well, thus producing variations that either lead a species to become extinct or to survive through the adaptations. Why does humankind have to speed up that process? Can't we be patient like Mother Earth? We think we are 'fixing' and improving, but we might be really taking three steps backwards for every one we take forward. Many people are ignorant when it comes to DNA manipulation and so, participate in it and are all for it, without going deeper than the mere surface. I'm not saying that I'm a know-it-all when it comes to this stuff. In fact, the scientists are laughing at me now....*Smirk*...I have read into the issue a little and came to my own conclusions based on things that I've heard, seen and thought about. I hope that by the time you finish reading this diary entry, you will leave with thoughts - not of my own, but of your own, newly formulated. I'm not here to brainwash you into agreeing. You obviously can disagree (and I know that a lot of people would do just that). I'm not posting this as an argument or a debate that has a 'winner' and a 'loser'. I just want you to THINK. I want you to consider some of the things I've said and compare them with your own ideas. How do they differ? How are they similar? Please, I just ask you to think about this issue for a moment or when you have the time. It's a fabulous feeling to work out your mind. I do! I work it out probably far too often and tucker myself out...haha...then again, people say that I have too much sugar in my tank too. *Smirk* Decide what you will. Think that I'm a naive little girl who doesn't know better? Think that I'm a mere traditionalist on this topic and need to be modernized? No matter how you see me and however you take my opinions, I thank you for your patience and time for reading this diary entry. Feedback is wonderful, but sometimes, just being able to have a voice or a say about something is even better. Thank you for being a 'listener'. If you're a 'speaker', you know how to contact me. My e-mail address is provided when you click on the link and other ways to get in touch with me are available through my other website, titled *~* The Mystic Realm *~*. Goodnight, take care and always remember to SPREAD THE SUNSHINE!!!!!!!

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TRIVIAL TIDBITS ABOUT ME: RIGHT NOW

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EYES: Lined all around with very dark navy blue eyeliner, black mascara on all eyelashes

NAILS: Au naturel and medium length

LIPS: Slicked with clear lip gloss.

HAIR: Curly and tied up

THINKING ABOUT: Life and the manipulation of it. *sigh*

WISHING: Today was Friday. I don't feel like going to university tomorrow, but...*sigh*...I have to and I will.

SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD: "Dreamer" by Ozzy Osbourne (I'm not an Ozzy fan, but I am a major fan of this song for its lyrics, not for the music video. I think the song really describes me well. I'm such a dreamer, to the point where I sometimes 'dream my life away' and 'dream of better days'...)

SONG I'M LISTENING TO NOW: Just the background music on this page. Turn your speakers on to hear it. I'm not sure if you can hear it if you use Netscape...anyway, try it.

LAST PHONE CONVERSATION WITH: My boyfriend (by the way, as of January 31st, it's going to be our 1 year anniversary of being together!!!!!! Can you believe it???? *Smile*)

NOTE TO SELF (This isn't meant to be understood by everyone, solely Mary Shaw and her twisted mind...*Smirk* I haven't gone bonkers...It's just in a code format): 'Fatal' + - & 'jealousy'...

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