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Would You Just Read My Spine? .............. << previous // next >>
Have you ever felt like you knew exactly which path you wanted to take and felt so confident with your abilities and your passions in life? You felt like you were being compelled to do something and it was your purpose in life to pursue it at all costs? I felt that way about pursuing a career in psychology. Ever since I got a taste of it in a chapter in one of my courses in high school, I knew I wanted to become a psychologist. I was interested in counselling especially....Then, I took the Introduction to Psychology course and realized that there was more to it than just counselling. Psychology covers every field out there from cognition to abnormal behaviour to relationships to motivation to group dynamics to organizational behaviour...The list goes on. That was one of the things I loved most about psychology - that it has a wide range and even greater depth. But the more courses I take in my major, the more I am realizing how much I have become disinterested in conducting research. This is a HUGE problem, because to become a psychologist, not only should you go on to graduate school and work towards your Masters or even Ph.D., but you need to conduct TONS of research, collect data, devise (quasi-)independent and dependent variables, and formally write up the whole report after analyzing all the data through SPSS (a statistical computer program). Before I had no problems with that. I even was looking forward to conducting my own research one day and maybe even discovering something more about human relationships (which is the part I'm most interested in studying). Now though, I'm second-guessing my future career and the path I so strongly pursued. I've worked exceptionally hard all these years and when I'm almost right at the place where I've been working toward, I realize that I'm being called to do something else. It's not that I despise psychology. I love it very much and overall, I'm doing very well in school, but of course there are certain courses (with certain uhh...lemon-sucking professors) in which I'm struggling to ace. My grades aren't the problem. It's my heart. It's like before I was so determined that I'd become a social psychologist. Now though, I cannot see myself going to graduate school and conducting research. What's more, psychology articles published in academic journals, are written in technical, standard, and rigid ways. There is little creativity unfortunately in psychological research publications because psychology is a science...Data has to be accurately and systematically presented for clarity. While I am intrigued by research findings in psychology, I know I would be very unhappy with the rigidity in writing the reports. While I've been in the top 10% in all of my psychology statistics classes in university, I really don't enjoy calculations. I'm not intimidated by numbers. I just don't like collecting data and analyzing it. It's just not for me and I feel like a complete fool for not having realize how much it bugs me until now. Maybe it's good in a way that I'm figuring this out before I graduate, but it still bothers me, because I've worked hard and have done well all these years...and now when my "dreams" can come true, those dreams are changing. Several times I've tried to push these thoughts out of my head and continue in my major...but avoidance only builds tension...and procrastination can only lead to disaster in this case. I know that I need to act NOW. I can't ignore this anymore, so I'm confronting it head on... I want to pursue creative writing. Since I learned to READ, I knew I wanted to write a book...particularly a novel. Hell, even before I learned how to WRITE, I would scribble and pretend that I was writing. Once I learned my alphabets, from my own volition, I would write out random letters, combining them any which way and then I'd run to my mom and ask her if it was a word. Of course 99.99% of the time, the "word" I wrote was not an actual word (at least not in English). I kept at it though and it's not like my parents forced me to write or scramble letters. I just did it because I was so eager to learn how to spell and learn how to write. It was something inside me that I knew I wanted to do, even at that young age. Although I had probably hundreds of failed attempts at writing a word using my method-to-my-madness technique, I finally wrote my first word. That word was "FAMILY"...You don't understand how ecstatic I felt when my mom told me that I had spelled a word all on my own!!!! To this day, I think that this must mean something. It's some sort of message or hint. Out of all the words I could have composed (perhaps by chance), it wasn't PENCIL or BAT or CLOCK or MACHINE, it was FAMILY. You might think that I'm reading too much into it, but...I believe it could be even a divine message. Don't roll your eyes at me. I've never spoken about this to any of my friends, but an unstable part of my life involves my family. My immediate family is pretty good, but my extended family (aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins) is extremely rocky. There is virtually no communication whatsoever. The little communication there exists, is ineffective. You see, I am discriminated against because I don't speak Chinese fluently and I suspect because some of my features aren't typically Chinese. These relatives are on my mom's side of the family and ever since I was a child, my immediate parents and my brother have been treated like we're completely different and not part of their family. It's pretty sad and yes, I occasionally cry when I think about it. I never knew my father's side of the family. They all died before I was born. I'm sure I've mentioned this at least once somewhere on my website or in this online diary, but I often wonder what it would be like to have known that side of the family. Perhaps there would be more happiness and more sense of family love. Sometimes life isn't fair. It isn't a good feeling, knowing that pretty much all of your relatives have some ridiculous grudge against you just for being who you are. I don't swear, I'm polite, and I try to engage in friendly conversations, but none of my attempts seem to bring me much success -- success ultimately being that sense of familial intimacy. I don't have that from my relatives, but yes, at least I have that with my parents. Maybe I'm just whining, a big crybaby, but how can one not feel a sense of loss when relatives are emotionally further away than strangers yet geographically close by? Some people probably think that I should feel blessed that I still have living relatives. I suppose, but I can think of it in a different way too: Living sometimes can feel like dying, don't you think? I hardly know anything about my relatives...their personal lives...what kind of music they listen to....heck, even what's their favourite colour!!! I know more about acquaintances from school! During all the Chinese holidays and of course during Christmas, my grandparents always hold a huge dinner - a grand affair in their eyes...with meals totalling over $400 many times. They're wealthy. We're not. You know in "Titanic" how Rose (Kate Winslet) attends those dry mindless dinners and she feels like it's the same chatter and the same materialistic views....the inability to connect with the people at the same table? That's how I feel, although of course I don't plan on jumping into the ocean anytime soon, mind you. At these gala dinners my grandparents have, it's always the same thing....no eye contact (from them to us)...no conversation...unless of course you count small-talk about the weather or about what I'm studying in university (even though for the last few years, I keep telling them the same thing and they keep on asking it at every dinner, as though everytime I see them, they had their brains ironed, free of the necessary wrinkles). I think what I want more than anything in this world is a genuinely intimate relationship with my relatives. I don't know if this will ever happen. Certain characteristics in a person are incredibly difficult to change (if they can be at all). It's sorta like a racist. That personal component doesn't just change because you spoke to her/him about the beauty of diversity and the love for people of all different walks of life. If only it were that simple, we would be in heaven (or something like it anyway). No, I believe strongly that there are certain characteristics in a person that will never change because it is who they are. It's who they were meant to be. It's who they have to be. It just sucks when the only thing you truly desire is to be friendly to someone and in return you get the cold and indifferent treatment. I have to say that I really envy the many people who are on good terms with their extended family. You really don't know how lucky you guys are to have that....Having strong family roots helps you to deal with issues like trust and communication more than you may realize. You're blessed. So back to my decision to pursue creative writing.... Since I was little I've always loved literature. In elementary school I was known as the girl who was always writing something. Of course I wrote for school assignments and I was always the person to ask, "Is it okay if we go beyond the word limit?" Haha, I loved writing then and I was always trying to push to write more than what was required. Aside from school work, I wrote stories and plays out of my own volition during my free time (I had plenty back then!). In high school, I was still known as the one who was always writing something, but in addition to that, I was also the one who was always reading something. I guess I'm a nerd, but strangely, I'm proud of it. It's not like I was a loner or anything. I joined the cross country and track & field team...the instrumental band...the literary magazine...I was also the student secretary...Hmm...haha, I guess I am a bigger nerd than you thought! Of course because I loved writing so much, I would pass notes to my friends in class, even if they were sitting right beside me! *Grin* I actually still do that now in university...*Grin* I guess some things never change....Once a nerd, always a nerd...oh and yes, I do wear glasses. Hold your breath...they're not thick a la Larry King (or as I like to call him - "the Suspender King"...I mean, is it a fetish for him or what?!). I didn't join the math league (HELL NO!), although one of my friends at the time tried to convince me to. Sorry, but getting 5 pages of additional math problems to work on isn't exactly my idea of fun. It's more like torture, but I suppose there are worse things in life - like having to study and academically analyze all of Shakespeare's plays. *Smirk* I side-track too much. I should have majored in English and not psychology. English has always been my forte. No matter what school subject I was writing for (or even informal writing), my peers, coworkers, professors, bosses, and even strangers have told me that I should write a book. I've been getting the same encouraging comments from numerous people, so I feel quite free in ruling out patronizing. I just am so frustrated that I didn't pursue English more seriously earlier. But it's not too late. In fact, in May I plan to work on converting one of my screenplays (30 paged) into a novel format. I am also seeking guidance and brutally honest feedback from one of my former English professors/T.A's (she was both). I am also doing research on how one can get a novel published in Canada (yes, I AM CANADIAN!). One of my life goals is to write a novel and of course get paid for it. I'm not setting out to write the next classic (I am not THAT arrogant, but I am partially, because I will admit that it would give me immense satisfaction to be able to walk into a bookstore and see my name on the cover of a book). When I wrote things before, I used to imagine the target audience I wanted to write for and then actually write FOR them. After taking two English courses, I realize that maybe it's best to just write and let your work dictate your target audience. I had never thought about it that way before...and it makes a lot of sense. I should write whatever I feel like writing and whatever target it chooses, so be it. The important thing is to get my message out...to get my inner thoughts down on paper. Whichever target group reads it is fine...as long as I got the message out. Some writers say that they don't intentionally write about specific themes....The writing just takes over and the themes just appear subconsciously. I can't say that I will take that advice. I'm not saying it doesn't work well that way...It's just that I want to purposely add didactic content, but of course, if I've done it properly, the morals/themes won't be too blatant. I want the reader to have to connect the dots themselves and apply parts of the story to fit into their life's puzzle. I know for sure that I want my story to be bittersweet. Sure, I love a happy ending, but sad endings are more memorable for me. I want to make people cry, but in a bittersweet way in the sense that there is still room for hope....sorta like the feeling you have when someone you loved dearly dies, but you have to keep on living and keep your chin up, trying to remember all the happy times the two of you shared. I'm not interested in writing a romance novel....but a love story in a sense. I want to deal with human nature, relationships, corruption, and spirituality, mixing in rationality with emotionalism....turbulence with serenity...wounds with healing....I have so many ideas inside me and it's time that I actively pursue creative writing. This is the thing for me......It feels so right...and like it is often said, "If it feels so right, how can it be wrong?" ~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-. " When You Look Outside, Look Inside To Your Soul " ~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-. SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD: "Somewhere Down the Barrel" by The Dissociatives LAST FEW SONGS I LISTENED TO: + "Ana's Song (Open Fire)" by Silverchair + "Do You Feel the Same" by Silverchair + "Acid" by Emm Gryner + "Hello Aquarius" by Emm Gryner + "Easier to Run" by Linkin Park + "Crawling" by Linkin Park + "Fuel Injected" by Swollen Members featuring Moka Only + "Deep End" by Swollen Members + "Winter" by Tori Amos 
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Friday April 23rd, 2004. - 2:22 AM