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A Toss Up of Meaning in a Salad Spinner .............. << previous // next >>
Here's the first entry for the New Year...and I barely made it, eh? Writing two diary entries in December really screwed me royally. I'd better just stick to my one entry per month goal and let that be that. As usual, a lot has transpired since my last entry. I started growing a goatee, I changed my name to Jack Pott, and I befriended a shady shaman whose sole ambition in life is to bring the Spice Girls back to the mainstream and have a duet with 50 Cent. *Sigh* Nope, my life is not quite THAT interesting OR pathetic. Yes, sometimes pathetic lives ARE neat to document and fun to laugh at, but alas, I can't say with a straight face that all of the above happened, so I'll contort my face while saying it. *Smirk* Well, of course you're all too clever to believe my gibberish. Was it the 50 Cent part that did me in....or was it the fact that I'm a female and would NEVER want to grow facial hair intentionally? Sit down on a pinecone, iron your wrinkly Teletubby undies, eat some purple liquorice, oogle the unrealistic superheros in your comic books, spin around on a leather swivel chair until you feel like puking, or dance wild and crazy to Special D's happy hardcore song, "Come with Me." Whatever floats your boat and sinks the Titanic. I'm about to rehash my memories from New Year's Eve. If, at any point, you feel the urgent desire to make a beeline for the exit, please note that it's on the left. On the right is a big, scary man named Bruno, who doesn't speak a word of English and thinks that everyone is challenging him to a fight. Don't get your left confused with your right or you may need some serious reconstructive surgery and a jar to hold your self-esteem. By staying and reading the garbbelly-gook that follows, you are accepting that it will be time from your life that you will never get back (unless the time machine is invented in your lifetime) and that you may experience zany twitching in your left eyelid due to the stress your body will undergo from using all your brain cells at maximum capacity. I am in no way, shape, or form responsible for any of the following symptoms you may experience upon reading this diary entry: hairy growth on your eyeballs, men in tin foil hats attacking you with wet noodles, the inability to pronounce all words containing at least one vowel, inexplicable attraction to monkeys and accordians or monkeys playing accordians, breath that smells like exhaust fumes, infatuation with diseased walking corpses like Mick Jagger, or speaking in tongues. If you agree to sign your life away, continue. If not, continue. You see, just like Herbert Marcuse knew, freedom is an illusion. That's the first lesson for today. The next lesson is that Yoda was based on Albert Einstein. (Don't believe me? See number 38 on the list at this website: http://www.office-humour.co.uk/g/i/2551)...Don't forget to come back here though when you're done laughing so hard that water sprays out of your nose. After all, I still haven't finished mentally torturing you. Don't ya worry. You're in good hands. More likely than not, I will bore you stiff. Call me the Mental Medusa. I can turn you to stone with my mind...Would you like to be limestone, pumice, or granite today? Okay....so New Year's Eve. I ended up spending quality time at Mike's place. We were just relaxing and being absolute saints (hehe). At dinnertime, Daniel and his girlfriend, Nyurka came over. We all prepared a lavish meal and there was such an excess! It's funny because every single time we cook with Daniel, even when we're cooking for 4 people, we end up making enough for 10! We had some great chardonay wine to go with it. We went over to Anthony's place to give him some of the stuff we made. You see, Anthony had been playing hockey and ended up breaking his collar bone, so he was at home, recuperating. I felt bad for him. He was bed-ridden, pretty much on a night that otherwise could've been very exciting for him. Afterwards, the rest of us headed downtown where all the New Year's action was. The music entertainment was nothing spectacular, but just being there with a huge crowd made you feel so giddy. One thing I definitely have to mention is this crazy man who was topless. It was COLD that night and it was snowing....(typical Canadian weather in December). The thing about this man (or android more likely), was that he wasn't shivering and he looked perfectly fine. Mike and Daniel considered throwing a snowball at him just to "teach him a lesson", but fortunate for the guy, the snow wasn't packing snow. Oh....and hours later, we saw another guy who was equally crazy and equally not possibly human. He was wearing SHORTS! I wonder if he was looking for his friend (the shirtless dude). There was another guy who was just wearing a thin dress shirt and no jacket. I'm telling you, if you don't think that guys are stupid, I've given you three good examples all in a single day. As Joseph Conrad (the author of the classic novel, 'Heart of Darkness') was quoted as saying, "Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men." AMEN TO THAT!!!! It was chaos in the streets after the traditional singing of Aud Lang Syne by a woman who was trying way too hard to nail those vocal runs. The last time I saw a chaotic crowd that large was when Bargain Bin had a clearance sale on used dental floss! I kid you not....haha...okay, I'm just joking. Laugh, damn it! You're not constipated, but if you want to be, just take hundreds of fiber supplements and clear your weekend schedule. While you're at it, clear up your acne...Hey, it can't hurt, right? Don't worry, I'm not Mary Turned Mean. I've always been rotten to the core. Nah...I'm sugar and spice and all that's nice. So...going back to the chaos. The public transportation was insane! People were pushing and shoving. It's all about the "Me Generation," isn't it? People talk about feeling like a sardine, but unless you were there that night, you have no idea. Haha...I remember how Mike hardly had room in the subway car and he sorta fell fowards and he extended his hand and it landed on some guy's shoulder. Ordinarily if you did this, the other guy would be pissed, but in light of the circumstances, Mike had no choice but to do that or he'd fall completely on the guy. Mike said to the guy, "Hi. I'm Michael. How are you doing?" Haha, that cracked me up! The other guy was cool about it and was understanding. Yeah, I could go into more detail of what else I did on New Year's Eve, but y'know what? I'm lazy now. Yes, writing crapola is mentally exhausting. Heck, even staring at a stucco ceiling right now would be overwhelming. I'm tired. I got back from work and it was a hectic day. We were packing up everything because tomorrow we'll be at the new office. I'm excited about the move, but I do think that I'll miss the old one, just because I got used to it. Let's get serious like a nosebleed. This morning, I heard some shocking news on the radio. Apparently a 15-year-old male in Oshawa was undergoing surgery to have his fingertips re-attached (YES, you read that right, unfortunately!). Now...guess how it happened. No, it was a rabid dog, but I guess we can call the person who did it to be rabid and a menace to society. Apparently, a guy beat the victim in order to steal his iPod! The victim covered his head with his hands and since he was beaten violently with a crowbar, his fingertips were severed! Geez! The inhumane things some people do just to get what they want from others! I remember years ago, a girl was robbed of the clothes right off her back! I would ask how can people be so crude, but...I know we're not living in a utopia...but I'd like to think that we're not living in a dystopia either. Well...isn't it strange how things end up? I meant to keep this entry happy-go-lucky, but I couldn't NOT bring this story to light. That's the dichotomy of Mary Shaw. Take the ecstatic with the depressing or don't take me at all. Mary Shaw ~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-. SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD: "The Last Day I Was Happy" by Scarling LAST FEW SONGS I LISTENED TO: + "Safe Place to Hide" by Melissa O'Neil + "Dangerous Love" by Racer X + "The Perfect Drug" by Nine Inch Nails + "Trust" by Megadeth + "Kneel Before Your God" by Deakin + "Nude on the Moon" by Tipsy + "More Shopping" by Bran Van 3000 
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Monday January 30th, 2006. - 10:02 PM