Cosmetic Surgery For Your Mind .............. << previous // next >>

Wednesday December 12th, 2001. - 1:53 AM

Have you ever typed up a long e-mail and had it deleted by accident in an instant before your very eyes? Well...I have. In this case, it was this diary entry for tonight (or this morning). I had typed numerous paragraphs for my online diary and then I went upstairs for a little bit (5 minutes). When I came back down to the basement, my Dad told me that there was a page error. Apparently he had been clicking around on the internet and somehow a page error developed. All my typing for the past half hour or so was sent into the black hole of cyberspace. It was deleted entirely. I searched in my history folder to see if somehow by chance, the computer stored the information. No, it didn't. ARGH! That's really annoying. Surprisingly though, I'm not really upset at my father. First of all, it IS only an online diary entry and second, honestly, the entry I was typing sounded really REALLY boring now that I think about it. Still, I am rather frustrated about having to start all over from scratch. I'm sure you can all understand that.

I remember a long time ago, I had written a lovely letter to one of my internet buddies using one of my Hotmail accounts. It had everything: humour, seriousness, opinions, inside jokes and the works. Then, when I was satisfied with my letter, I clicked the send button only to discover (to my dismay) that there was a page error. Call me nerdy or weird (I don't care), but I thought my heart stopped. I quickly clicked the 'Back' button on my browser and it wasn't there either. After a while, I finally accepted (on a sour note) that all my time had been wasted and that my internet buddy would never read it. I tried to re-type it all over again, but because it was so long, I couldn't remember everything that I had written, so I gave up in a huff and logged off the computer.

Other times I have successfully managed to remain patient and calm and re-type everything I remember. Usually, however, I just send a shorter e-mail to the person and say the bare basics. You know what I mean - the "Hi! How are you doing?" kind of e-mail. The kind that remains pleasant but concise. I think that we've all received those kinds. Honestly, I prefer the ones that put more thought into them, however not everyone has the time to type up a Bible-of-an-e-mail.

You know, I was actually thinking about putting an end to my website. In case you don't know, the webpage you are reading right now is not the only one I have created. My main website is called *~* The Mystic Realm *~*. You can find links to my site at the bottom of this entry (the white banner) and on the Diary Menu on the left of the screen. I've been working on my webpages ever since I was 17 years old. I'm now 19. I originally thought that I'd stop updating this site when I started university, however, as you can see, that didn't happen. I thought that I'd leave the page up, which would mean that you could still view the website if you wanted to, however, I wouldn't update it anymore. I still haven't decided exactly what I'm going to do about this. Any feedback from you would be greatly appreciated. I think right now I'm looking for some more encouragement. I'll probably keep on updating my website (this one and the other one) for the rest of this year and into the new year. I know that eventually this will have to come to an end. It's all been great though and hey...while I'm at it, I might as well thank each and every one of you for being such wonderful guests. I have received numerous e-mails from you, filled with support, comments, questions, concerns, constructive criticsm and compliments. I always enjoy reading your suggestions and your opinions about my website because I get to know about you. Okay, the major misconception about my pages is that I cater towards the viewer. This isn't necessarily true. My website is a personal one, which reflects who I am, what I like, how I think and how 'interesting' I am (the last one was your cue to laugh...*Grin*). People e-mail me all the time telling me to make changes on the website that would please THEM. Personal websites are made selfishly, but in a good way. I guess it's an oxymoron (I think that's the term). They're made first to please the webdesigner and THEN for the viewer. Of course, a better page is one that incorporates both (which I sometimes try to do).

To some people, this way of thinking is foolish. They may think, "If you don't make your website favourable to the viewers, the page won't get hits." To that, I just say it doesn't matter. I honestly don't care how high my counter clicks. Of course it's nice to know that someone other than yourself is enjoying and appreciating your site, but that wasn't and isn't my main purpose for beginning it all in the first place. The reason why I created and continue to manage my pages is because I love the freedom of expression it allows. I can express my feelings about my love of God, Rainbow Brite and Anne of Green Gables, for everyone to see, read and hear with the use of images, words and midi sound files. It allows me to experiment and test out my amateur webdesign 'skills'. I put the word skills in quotation marks because my webdesign 'skills' are a joke!!!! First of all, I use Front Page Express to create the pages. It's one of the simpliest programs to use to make pages. I only do some HTML coding occasionally, but that's rare. I really admire those of you who can type out long coding and have it look beautifully laid out on the screen. I probably won't rise to that peak performance because I'm not really a "computer person". I wouldn't have the patience for that kind of work.

Right now, in between paragraphs, I'm browsing through eBay.com for some Rainbow Brite stuff. I'm not planning to buy anything, but I am curious about what's out there. So far I've found many dolls and other paraphenilia, but what caught my interest were these funky raver pants. Someone had handmade them! They are really rainbow-y and look really fun and bright! If I could sew well with the sewing machine, I'd attempt to make my own pants. Right now though, I'd be a joke if I did. I can't sew straight when I use the machine. Then again, I only tried once and that was in grade 8. Maybe I really should try and see if my 'skills' have improved even though I haven't practiced them. Sometimes that happens, y'know? I remember when I was little, I used to play ping pong and I absolutely stunk at it! Haha! My Dad bought a ping pong table when I was in gradeschool and we used it during the vacations. My brother and Dad were really good and I would watch them hit the ball back and forth for a long time before someone hit the ball too hard and it just missed the edge of the table. At that time, when I played, I was horrible! You probably would've laughed. I'd hit the ball ONCE and it would fly off the table, so needless to say, I wasn't a really challenging opponent. *Smirk* Then, the next year, I didn't play ping pong at all. The year after that, I tried it again and this time I was SOOOO much better (in other words, I didn't stink as much...haha). I was able to actually provide a challenge for my Dad and brother and I won several matches (which was unheard of before). Right now, I'm not sure how good (or bad) I am at it. I don't really care anymore. I haven't played ping pong in goodness knows how long.

I'm not a real fan of ping pong either. Which sports do I prefer? Tennis, baseball, hockey, volleyball, swimming and gymnastics. I'm not what you would call an athlete, although I do like playing sports for fun. I used to be a cross-country and track & field runner, but that all ended in grade 9. It was fun when I did it. What was the reason why I stopped doing that? I'm not too sure. I think it was just because I was a big chicken when I compared myself to the competition. I remember that in one of my cross-country meets, I came 21 out of 88. I know that's not out-of-sight or outstanding or anything like that, but it was a real achievement for me. I felt proud of how all my hard work paid off when I needed it to. I loved the adrenaline of running and the endurance that it required.

Track & Field was a different type of achievement. It involved groupwork, which made it seem more fun to me. Cross country was more individual achievement. By doing both, I enjoyed the best of both worlds and it was very rewarding. I like feeling like I belong on a team, yet at the same time, being autonomous. Okay, okay...enough nostalgia, right? You didn't come here to read my memoirs, did you? Hehe...if you did, you'll find quite a lot scattered throughout this site and *~* The Mystic Realm *~*. If you didn't, well...you got it anyway. Hopefully it wasn't TOO painful. *Smirk*

Right now I'm logged on to WinMX (this program that is very similar, but better than Napster). A bazillion people are uploading/downloading from me. I always get those terms (uploading and downloading) confused with the other. Hey, I never said that I was the brightest crayon in the box. It seems like songs by 'ATC' are the most popular tonight. Other times it's usually 'Ivy', 'Sylver', 'Enrique Iglesias' or 'Jennifer Lopez'.

You know how much of a difference money sometimes makes in a person's life? Of course you do. Well, I was thinking about celebrities, in particular, singers Mariah Carey and Jewel. They both grew up in a poor environment. Jewel lived in a trailer with her father and sang at clubs to earn enough money to buy food. It makes me sick when I think of how humble Mariah's beginnings were compared to her now, flaunting her body and mumbling through her songs. I used to LOVE LOVE LOVE her songs (think 'Hero', 'Emotions', 'One Sweet Day', 'Music Box', etc.) Then, when she was getting hot on the charts, she changed. Her style of singing, in my opinion, was distinctly different in her 'Butterfly' album. She seemed to mumble and I remember her older songs were crystal clear - you could hear every single word. I was kinda disappointed. Also, the cover and insert in the 'Rainbow' album was not something I would call modest or decent. Sure, she's a gorgeous women, but I think it's wrong to be flaunting it around like that. Sometimes I joke about flaunting curves, but when someone takes it literally and goes and does it, I don't agree with it. Some of the outfits I've seen of her in magazines have made me question why celebrities are spending so much money on clothes that are almost not even there. It's such a shame that such a talented singer like Mariah would degrade herself like that. When you're that beautiful, you don't need to do that to yourself. You can wear decent clothing and still look beautiful, attractive and even sexy. You don't need to expose skin. You've heard it before: Leave something to the imagination. I don't need to explain that to you. Does showbiz always have to ignore morality? I don't think so. Sure, sex sells, but aren't you here to sell your talent? Maybe I was mistaken.

Implants and plastic surgury are quite controversial topics that buzz around in society, whether it's through the media or just in your mind. I can't flip through a magazine without seeing some advertisement about it and I admit that I have often wondered..."What if?" I know that I'm not alone. Everyone wants to obtain that 'ideal perfection'. I guess you could call me a contradition, or if you're really outspoken, you could call me a hypocrite. I always say that you should love who you are, just the way you are, but I also have constant thoughts about the seemingly miraculous surgeries available at the flash of the cash. There are so many things I think about changing, like my nose, my lips, my breasts, etc. I think that all I need is the little green papers and wave them around, to get the look I desire. A nose job to make my nose thiner and pointer...collagin (or whatever it is) added to make my lips look fuller and implants to make my breasts volumptuous. Then, I remember that if I made all those changes, I wouldn't really be me anymore. There are complications and risks involved, which I would not be able to handle. Of course, there is a chance of failure that exists. Nose jobs have left people with damaged/hindered breathing passages. Sometimes the tissues used to make lips look fuller are taken from cadavers (Ewww! Tell YOUR boyfriend that one and see if he hesitates to kiss you). Breast implants puncture, leaving you embarrassingly and severely lopsided. Are those risks worth it? When I consider and re-consider them, I'm thinking 'NO'. Then, I'm reminded that part of what makes me unique is how I look....how I was born. Being a Barbie doll look-alike doesn't make me unique. That makes me a replicate, a wannabe and a sucker for North America's idea of commerical beauty. I resemble my parents. Their genetics, or more specifically, their chromosomes made me look the way I do. My appearance is thanks to my parents and one day, when I'm older and they pass away, I will be able to look in the mirror and see that yes, I got my nose from my Dad and my eyes from a combination of my Mom and Dad. Surgery would mask all that. I would look like someone else. If you know me, you know that I'm all about individualism. I admire uniqueness and originality, no matter how weird or how 'unattractive' others may perceive it to be.

Yeah, so my nose isn't as thin and pointy as Nicki Taylor's, nor will it ever be, I have decided. You can think of it another way as well: Her nose will never look like mine. So what if Britney's bust is bigger than mine? Mine is 100% natural. By the way, it appears that Britney Spears' rumour of getting breast implants is true. It was mentioned in an international magazine and they weren't sued for publishing it, which means that the statements must be true. Usually if false statements like those are published, celebrities go crazy and take them to court. Anyway, this is the way it worked: She went in for knee surgery and came out with larger boobs. Explain that to someone. Anyway, enough about her. There's more controversy surrounding her than flies hovering over fresh manure. So, back to what I was saying. We might not have been born beautiful according to model agencies, but all of us are. I have great difficulty accepting it a lot of the time, but with great support from my family, my boyfriend and friends, it makes it easier to see. I truly believe that you're as beautiful as you want to be. Other people have the power to make you feel like the most beautiful person upon this earth. Perhaps we should be stressing this instead of cosmetic surgery.

Okay, it's getting really late/early. I'm still not sleepy, but I figure that it's not a good idea to stay up until I fall asleep on the keyboard. I'm going to end this long diary entry right now. I hope it has made you question and think about things critically. I know that you may very well disagree with things I have said or everything I have mentioned, but at least it made you think. To me, that's the most important thing you can do for yourself. I call it cosmetic surgery for your mind. Everyone can go through it with positive results. Well....goodnight/good morning! Take care and always remember to SPREAD THE SUNSHINE!!!!!!!! *Smile*

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TRIVIAL TIDBITS ABOUT ME: RIGHT NOW

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EYES: Au naturel (hey...I'm ready to go to bed!)

NAILS: Chipping maroonish-black nailpolish

LIPS: Au naturel (I'll slick on some lip gloss before going to bed)

HAIR: Blowdried straight and tied into a high ponytail

THINKING ABOUT: How nerdy I am for staying up late just to type up a diary entry!

WISHING: People appreciated diversity more

SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD: "Destiny" by Jim Brickman (My boyfriend's and my song)

SONG I'M LISTENING TO NOW: "In The End" - sung by Linkin Park

LAST PHONE CONVERSATION WITH: Nicole

NOTE TO SELF (encoded so it doesn't make sense to anyone else. Don't even bother trying to crack it, because even the part that's coded has a symbolic meaning instead of a literal one...*Grin*..and no, I'm not crazy...yet!): X Two Nose See Sew Secure Epi "it all"

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