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Like Morning into Twilight .............. << previous // next >>
Contact lenses didn't work out for me and strangely enough, through the entire experience, I have become more appreciative of glasses. Of course I still wish that my fairy godmother would flutter down and give me 20/20 vision. Maybe it's a waste of time to complain about my eyesight as much as I do. A professor I know used to say that "complaining is healthy and a sign that you're alive." Maybe so, but what kind of life is it if a person complains too much? I hope that in my old age many mannny years down the road, I won't become one of those grouchy old hags who have nothing better to do than to criticize people left, right, and center. I hope to remain positive, even though many assert that growing older hardens the heart. I don't want to be a total softy and have my heart ripped out and stomped on. I've already had that experience. I don't want to be a bleeding heart, but I want to keep a healthy balance of empathetic warmth. Back to contact lenses... I was fitted with soft, clear disposable contact lenses back in July. It was the first time that I had ever tried it, although I had been wanting to for so many years. I used to think that wearing contacts would be more convenient and of course I'll admit that there was an element of vanity involved. So, I tried wearing the lenses for one week and my eyes seem to be extremely sensitive because they turned really red, even though I cleaned the lenses extremely well as instructed with the multi-purpose solution. It took me around 14 tries in the contact lense technician's office before I was able to put the lenses IN by myself. I thought it would be so much easier. Taking the contacts off was a cinch though. After wearing contacts for a week, I realized just how ugly I look without my glasses. Glasses seem to suit me and even though they are somewhat of a pain sometimes (i.e. when they fog up), those setbacks are minute in comparison to contacts. With contacts, you have to have a back-up pair of glasses anyway, you have to keep buying that special solution to clean the lens, you're not allowed to wear certain kinds of make-up, you can't wear them in the shower, you have to make sure they're not inverted when you put them in or it could cause irritation, and the lenses made my eyeball feel drier. In the end, I decided to stick to the new eyeglass frames I had just bought because A) These ones are the most comfortable ones I've ever had, B) These ones fit better than previous frames did, and C) Glasses are cheaper than contact lenses. I really don't have dollar bills growing from my ass. Soooooo....I'm keeping my nerdy image afterall. Who would've thought? I went to Ottawa for a short while, staying at Lena's place. The view from her balcony was so beautiful because you could see the rooftops of all the buildings from down below. There's something romantic about that, especially when you see the sunset. The funny thing about Lena's place is that there are around 6 or so pubs on her street within only a minute's walking distance! She doesn't even live in the downtown area. It's more like a quiet zone. Lena isn't the type of person to drink alcohol, so when I asked her what she thought of this one particular pub, she couldn't tell me how good/bad it was since she had never tried it out. If I lived near a pub like that one, I would DEFINITELY check it out because it's NOT the loud rowdy type that are so typical. It's the sophisticated type with dim lights, cherrywood bench seats and tables, with flickering maroon candles in dark frosted glasses. It looked like such a laid-back environment where you could really unwind. I saw the street menu and they serve food too, not just alcohol. I'm not just talking about pizza and such...They actually had lobster dishes. That place...the environment...how cozy it looked...just seems utterly romantic just because it seems like the kind of place you can have an intimate conversation in. It wasn't crowded and the decore isn't too fancy that you'd have to dress up for, nor was it too casual in an everyday sense. It would be the perfect place for those special occasions -- like a first date, an anniversary dinner, a girl's night out..... I'm only a social drinker and I remember in my first year at university, Nicole and I planned to hit all the pubs on campus. Yeah, such noble academic pursuits, I know.....*rolls eyes* About three months ago, I made one of the hardest decisions in my entire life. I made the tough (but imperative) decision to cut out a certain small select group of friends from my life. I really hated having to do it because like anyone else, I prefer to keep friends and make new ones too, but this group was just like a heavy iron anchor, weighing me down and taking without giving. I wish there was a way to save the friendship, but there doesn't seem to be anything I could possibly do. It resides completely on their shoulders (which is frustrating). I've known this group throughout highschool and because of this, we share so many great memories, which made this decision all that more harder to make. Oftentimes I felt as though they expected me to give them everything without giving back in return. They'd constantly come to me with their multitude of problems from unplanned pregnancy to suicidal thoughts to how to ask a guy out to overbearing parents to drug addiction to stress from family affairs.....I'd always listen attentively and I gave them responsible advice (the kind I would follow if I were in the same situation -- not the cheap advice some people dish out to get you out of their hair). Why? Naturally friendship involves caring, but whenever I went to THEM with MY problems, I would get the 'cheap advice', the immature comments, and they would act shocked as though I was not allowed to have problems and only they were. I don't even think they truly listened to me sometimes. I was considered more or less the one who helped others, but who didn't need help in return. How unfair is that??? It took me one party to realize that they were "fairweather friends" (the kind who are there for the good times, the partying, the laughing, but when things get heavy and you need a true friend to help bail you out of undesirable situations, they don't come through and they often leave you disappointed with a bad aftertaste in your mouth. So, after school and exams were over, I was invited to a party in which those select few "friends" would be there, as well as a handful of others. From the moment I arrived, it became apparent that their sole intention of the party was to "get wasted and get drunk." They KNEW full well that even though I can drink quite a lot, I PREFER not to drink a lot. I am only a social drinker. So yes, the scenario is the typical peer pressure situation where everyone keeps telling you to drink drink drink drink drink drink and then drink some more. I hate that. I had some, but I know my limit and I don't like to push it. Getting drunk doesn't look fun to me at all. I like to be in control of my thoughts, body, and actions. While some would consider me weak, I consider it a strength. Those friends are either alcoholics already or are quick on their way to becoming alcoholics. My dad always says that in these situations, "The man takes the drink and then the drink takes the man." The fridge was filled with booze of all sorts (hard liquor, beer, cocktails, etc.). I knew that I was in the wrong place when he (no names will be revealed) yelled, "Okay, tonight we're going to get piss ass wasted and drink until we puke." I probably should have left then, but I didn't. That's the problem with me. I always hope for the best in every situation I'm in, no matter how suffocating. We drank a little and played some card games (in which the loser AND winner would take a shot of liquor). I have a relatively high alcohol tolerance, so I was fine, but a lot of others were getting tipsy. You know what kind of man looks unattractive to me? One who's drunk and who acts like a complete idiot with the IQ equivalent of a guinea pig. What kind of man looks the most unattractive to me? One who PRETENDS to be drunk just to 'look cool.' Hun, that just shows me how pathetically desperate you are to try to fit in. I mean, he only had one shot (the same time as me) and he was already acting all tipsy. I knew it was an act, because when he was acting stupid, looking for company, and I didn't join his absurdity, he sure as hell seemed to sober up pretty damn fast! Tell me something: Why the hell is it 'cool' to be drunk or act drunk? If it takes alcohol to loosen you up and to free yourself of inhibitions, then that is pathetic. I can be free and happy when I'm sober. If you think you can only have a sense of humour when you're under the influence, you must not be a very funny person to begin with. Think about it and smarten up. One of these days, you're going to open your eyes and realize that you wasted your life away on mindless activities that could actually hinder your future. I must be sounding EXTREMELY prudish right now, but if being a prude means not caring for alcohol and hating how it controls the friends you care about, then label me a damn prude. I don't really care how you label me. Do you realize how sad it feels to watch your friends hurt themselves intentionally? It's one of the most heart-wrenching things I can imagine. It's like...they don't know what they're doing. They think that drinking away their problems will do them good, but it's like putting a bandaid on a third degree full body burn. Don't they realize that? Don't they care about themselves even? Do they even think about their future ever instead of living for the moment? While the party plans were to crash there for the night, I decided (with a heavy heart) to leave the party early. I've been in this situation many times before and this was now one time too many. This would be the last time I would "babysit" them and worry about them. If they don't want to help themselves and if they don't give a damn that I care about them, then they couldn't have been very good friends to begin with. Alcoholics aren't cool and in my book, they'll never be cool, unless they attempt to kick bad habits. So that was that. I cried all the way home and until I fell asleep. I had higher expectations of them, but that night, not only did they not reach them, they erased all expectations I ever had of them. I don't need that kind of unnecessary stress nor do I need to be with people who don't care about themselves or about me. Like damn it, if I don't want another drink, then I don't want it! Get it through your thick crusty cobweb-infested heads! I also left the party because it seemed as though I had refused drinking offers more than a hundred times. Every single damn minute someone would ask me to drink something -- almost as if they would enjoy seeing me drunk. It was a creepy, unsettling thought. I know how to have fun and to me, drinking parties don't do it for me. I actually like talking to friends and getting to know them better.......seeing what they stand for, where they plan to go, how they plan to get there, what makes them tick.....Can you talk about anything important with a drunk? No. They broke my heart and the bitter thing about it is that I bet they don't have a damn clue. I have severed all my contact with them -- no phone calls, no e-mails, no MSN Messenger, no hanging out. All that time I was trying to help them and I forgot about my own interests. I deserve to have friends of a higher level who care for me in return. I don't need to put up with shitty relationships that go nowhere or with people who try to drag me down (and who eerily find immense satisfaction in it). Now that it's been several months since I've had any contact at all with those few people, I'm feeling as though a great burden, a heavy weight has been lifted. I remember I used to worry about them and I would try and try to help them, but what I've come to realize is that they have to awaken themselves in their own time at their own pace. There are some people in this world who, sadly, will never awaken or if they do, it will be too late. But I cannot continue trying to be a 'saviour' for them. My time with them is up unless they GET A CLUE and for heaven's sake, WAKE UP!! Geez, I guess I DO complain a lot....but I think almost anyone would especially when you're frustrated and have had your heart thrashed aside. Thank God I met a whole new bunch of friends at university within the last year, so I still have a very strong social support network. Among them, however, I believe I have met two kindred spirits. When I say that, I mean, I think that they are the type of friends who will be lifelong friends. We have such a connection and can talk about mature/immature subjects. We're open with each other and I have this feeling as though we share a type of friendship that is higher than any I've ever had before. This is the kind I've been searching for all my life and I'm so blessed to have actually found it! Hehe...they're probably reading this diary entry right now. Yan has a few years to go before she turns 30 and her husband James is almost in his mid-30s I think. I get along with them both and I'm so grateful to have met people who seem to actually give a damn about me and what happens to me. I have numerous other friends who do care about me (of course), but not with such an intensity as Yan and James do. They are two very open-minded, honest, and fun people to be around. Unless you've found this type of pure friendship, you've never known this facet of happiness. Now for the men in my life... ("Yeah, this should be juicy!" I hear you say) Well...not really. I have met guys on campus and of course many of them are good-looking, eloquent, intelligent, blah blah blah.....BUT when I look deeper, I uncover...something...that I absolutely cannot accept or overlook. In many respects they ARE boyfriend-potential material, but if some things about them ALREADY bother me, that can't be a good sign. There was this one guy in particular who at first I really liked and he really liked me. I got that bubbly feeling -- you know the kind when you're just about to fall head over heels? We began talking and hanging out almost every single day. He reminded me of myself -- like the male version of me (doesn't that just give you chills? There's another weirdo out there....haha). Seriously, our childhood background is pretty much identical and we are on the same page when it comes to our strengths and weaknesses. Still though, I couldn't go out with him because everything EXCEPT for his personality reminded me of Danny (an ex-boyfriend). I didn't think it would matter at first, but then I realized that sometimes when I talked to him, I was talking to him like he was...(how can I describe this?)...like another Danny, but not quite. Hmm...that doesn't make ANY sense, does it? After awhile, it just felt wrong.....so I started to give him signals that we should remain friends only. It probably wasn't fair to him or to me.....or to us and whatever potential we could've had, but I cannot be with someone who reminds me so strongly of a previous boyfriend. Besides, I'm no longer looking for the traits that Danny had. I want something very different. I don't want a Danny clone. I don't want a heartbreaker. I have changed quite a lot in the last year and if I go out with a guy, I want it to be a refreshing change....and a worthwhile one. Anyway, I'm not really looking. I like the idea of them finding me. I think it's much more romantic. *Wink* This entry has been a total disaster, so I'll probably write again soon to cover this one up with something better. A lot of wounds were opened again and it feels like salt is being pressed upon them. If the people involved in the drinking party are reading this (which I doubt), I want you to know that I wish you the best. Maybe one day we'll befriend each other again and be on the same wavelength, but remember this: I only plan to go up, not down. ~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-. " When You Look Outside, Look Inside To Your Soul " ~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-.~.*-. SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD: "Too Bad" by Megan Slankard LAST FEW SONGS I LISTENED TO: + "How Soon is Now" by Love Spit Love + "Foolish Beat" by Debbie Gibson + "The Closest Thing to Crazy" by Katie Melua + "Hold on to the Nights" by Richard Marx + "My Last Breath" by Evanescence + "Diary" by Alicia Keys + "The Reason" by Hoobastank + "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks + "Dirty Wings" by Megan Slankard 
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Sunday August 15th, 2004. - 9:40 PM